Friday, October 03, 2008

The Cycle





Fuck.

I stopped writing because it's always the same thing over and over again.

"I feel like crying"
"I'm sad"
"I feel worthless"

Blah blah fucking blah.

Can you tell I'm angry? I am so fucking sick of all of those things. I have absolutely had it with all of this bullshit just creeping up and smothering me.

What do I do?

I don't know what to do.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to scream a big "FUCK YOU" and run in front of a bus.

Like a bug on a windshield. Splat. Peace. No feelings. No thoughts. Eternal peace.

Christ. I've lost it. Completely fuckin lost it.

And here I am telling myself this too shall pass... LIAR... this too shall pass... it passes but it always always always comes back.

I'm stuck on some demented merry-go-round. My feeble pleas ignored by the devil in a conductors suit. Oh wait.. maybe that's my father. Or maybe Byron...

Maybe it's me?

8 comments:

Broken Child said...

I've been there and I'll be there again. I don't know how to stop the cycle either or the crazy thoughts that run through my head because of it.

I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

mile191 said...

you make so much sense. i feel so much of what you have written. thanks for sharing. i guess it is just a messed up merry go round that we exist on. sorry for what you are suffering.

Amysplash said...

hugs to you dont stop writting i can give you advice i am starting a grattitude jurnal maybe you can try one write in it every day one thing you are thankful for or one positive thing like the air you breath i am thinking of you big safe hugs amy

mile191 said...

okay. i want to know if you are still writing. it has been a while and i need to know you are okay. i agree, wtf is wrong with people, and wtf is wrong with me. it is like i can't get a grip on life, and if i could have gotten away with it i would have thrown the computer at school in front of a bus. people are so f.

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I haven't been on the blogs for a very long time, and today I have just read this post.
I am now worried as I can see how long ago this was and you haven't written anymore afterwards.

I really can relate to what you say, I feel like that many times, but I know there is a little part of me somewhere that is telling me that it is not exactly the same.
It is very hard for me to explain, because I get myself all clouded with the feeling that it is always the same and that I will never be really ok, but on the other hand there is some part of me that knows that I have learned something and that sometimes I manage to get a bit further before I fall, so maybe some time I will get further enough not to fall in the same place.

Big hugs

Breeya

Anonymous said...

Let the voices of Rape Victims/Survivors be Heard!!!

Rape is NOT like Getting a Flat Tire! Demand Rep. Pete DeGraaf apologize.

Demand that Kansas Representative Pete DeGraaf apologize to the victims/survivors of rape for his insensitive remarks.

Sign our petition on Change.org
http://www.change.org/petitions/rape-is-not-like-getting-a-flat-tire-demand-rep-pete-degraaf-apologize

We believe that Kansas State Representative Peter DeGraaf should apologize for minimizing the real human rights violation that the crime of rape truly entails and for not showing adequate compassion and respect for the personal dignity of the rape/sexual assault victims and their families. All human persons have the right to self autonomy and personal dignity and to be treated respectfully by their governmental elected officials.

See our other petitions:

http://www.change.org/medicalwhistleblower/petitions

HJ said...

I was raped twice by two guys in two weeks this past summer. One was severely violent and I have scars. I'm in recover mode now and it's so hard. I'm enjoying following your blog. It's comforting to know these feelings aren't just me. Thank you for having the courage to do this. It's inspiring!

Anonymous said...

its so painfull to be mistreated in such a way and especially by a family member...i was raped many many times by my uncle,my mums brother, from the age of five up untill i was 11...
its always there in my mind somewhere but i try to block it out and move forward in life, he stole my innocence,my childhood,ruined my life...i have mental problems because of it,on and off medication...but all i can keep telling myself is i will not let him ruin the rest of my life, i try not to think about my past, and focus on my future...im 22 years old im not good with advise, but i tried to kill myself twice in the past and its a bloody miracle im still alive today.so i'll never go down that road again,simply because i will not let him win. hon i hope you find a way to deal with this,i know its easier said then done trust me i know darl but life will get better you just need to surround yourself with supportive people and talk about stuff when you need to dont bottle it in im always here if you want to talk to me... my email is diomand22xo@live.com.au