Thursday, May 29, 2008


I am fuming. I am so fucking pissed off that I don't know what to do with the anger but I'm not turning it on myself so where do I put it?

Am I not allowed to be mad and frustrated? It seems by J's standards I'm always supposed to be smiles and sunshine. I'm not allowed to get frustrated with him and god forbid I try to talk to him because somehow, no matter what the situation, it turns into my fucking fault.

The day I quit my job is the day it seems everything started to run downhill.

J claimed that he was going to quit his job after his parents left and find something that pays more. I've heard this many times so I didn't want to put much faith into it but I guess I did. As far as I know he hasn't applied anywhere. He claims it's because he wants to keep his benefits so we can afford my not-so-anti-depressants. Well, if he got a job that paid more we could easily get Blue Cross and have nothing to worry about. I have been applying for jobs all over the place, but they're all male dominated jobs (warehouse, construction, driving) that I'm not getting call backs. I'm really struggling with this as I can easily do those jobs, earn great money but because I don't have a penis I'm not even given a chance. J could easily do those jobs but he won't even apply.

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker with all the shit J is putting on me. There was a great job I interviewed for, and the person who referred me told me the manager said the interview went great. I haven't heard back. J constantly kept telling me I hope you get that job, you better get that job... Well I didn't and because I didn't I'm under even more pressure to find something else.

I don't understand why it's solely up to me to improve our situation.


Lynn said...

Sometimes the expectations of others are just too much. Especially when we're struggling.

TigrMchine said...

Not sure what to say. Everything I think of sounds hollow.

Perfect said...

I'm new to your blog so I don't know the history of your relationship with J. That said, what I've read in your posts raises some red flags to me.

You say that it seems by his standards you're not allowed to get frustrated and that when you try to talk to him it turns into your fault. And you say it's solely up to you to improve your situation.

It's not up to you to fix his situation. Only your own. If you have taken on the burden of fixing things for both of you, be prepared for it to stay that way for the rest of your life with him. It's only up to you if you choose to allow that to be the case.

You're not his mother. You're his equal. You're both grown ups. You're allowed to have, and express, your feelings. There should be free flowing communication which there doesn't appear to be. If you cannot work together as a team, how do you expect to make a successful marriage?

I'm glad you're able to get back into counseling. I saw you decided to do phone sessions but mentioned you "talk" better through writing. Me too....sometimes I bring my T stuff to read b/c I can't say it aloud. Maybe you could email your thoughts/issues to C and then discuss them on the phone? Best of both worlds?

Take Care.