Monday night I was rocked with nightmares. Very vivid nightmares. I woke up from the first one crying and talking. The fact that I was talking really scared me. I woke up saying "daddy please..." I was clutching onto a pillow, racked with fear.
I'm not sure when I finally fell back to sleep, but the second nightmare was worse than the first. I think I'm nuts... when I bolted awake, I swear I saw my father standing over me. He was THERE, but he wasn't really there... It scared the hell out of me to say the least, I haven't slept since. I'm afraid to.
The second nightmare was just that, a nightmare. My brain decided to torture me and do something different... My father and rapist were both there, holding me down. Taking. Turns. Raping. Me. It seemed so real though, so scary...
I've had a similar dream as this before, similar as in they were both there. Except HE was raping me and my father came downstairs and pulled him off me and shouted that I was his play thing and no one elses...
How fucking disturbing is that?
His play thing...
I am NOT a play thing. I'm a human being. I'm a person. A women.
I AM NOT A PLAY THING
I AM NOT A PLAY THING
...how come I feel like it though?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
Thanks to Marj for creating this... To all the incredibly strong and courageous people who contributed, thank you for sharing. I find your words inspiring and hopeful...
Monday, June 19, 2006
Inside
Today, well... FUCK!
When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind me
I'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?
Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside were all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars were covering
Creed
When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind me
I'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?
Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside were all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars were covering
Creed
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Safe
I had my second session with new T yesterday, it went rather well.
We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the sessions. By her being the instigator on the subject and knowing that I didn't feel safe and wasn't sure if I could trust her created a safer space for me - kudos to her, she's good at what she does!
The first session I was scared of her. I'm not sure what I was scared of, but in my mind she was a monster. Very intimidating. Yesterday, I actually saw her. She shared a bit about herself which also made her more human and less scary.
I took a depression test, the BDI. I scored 38 which labeled me as severely depressed. We talked a lot about how I still get out of bed in the morning, how I still function in the world feeling the way I do. I told her that I don't have a choice, if I want to live I HAVE to get out of bed in the morning, if I don't I can't live, I can't support myself or even start to take care of myself, it's something I HAVE to do. T gently reminded me that it's not something I have to do at all, I could collapse, I could stay in bed but I'm making a choice not to. I'm CHOOSING to get out of bed, I'm CHOOSING to take care of myself and continue working, to maintain my independence. I laughed. My counselor (this might get confusing, sorry!) has told me that numerous times, but I didn't completely believe it. I don't want to end up homeless and in a worse situation... that's a choice! It's was an AH HA! moment... the light bulb went off. This may sound stupid, but I didn't really know what a choice was and I didn't know I had a choice in the matter.
We touched on a very uncomfortable subject, T asked if I had self injuring behaviors. I wanted to jump out of the chair and run out the door. I couldn't look at her, I kept my head down and stared at my feet. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before I breathed out the word yes. After I said yes, I looked at T, I NEEDED to see her reaction. T gave me what I needed and wanted, her expression wasn't one of disgust or shock, but one of understanding and kindness.
All of the seemingly little things T does is helping to create a safe space and slowly building trust.
I'm feeling a tiny bit more stronger today...
We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the sessions. By her being the instigator on the subject and knowing that I didn't feel safe and wasn't sure if I could trust her created a safer space for me - kudos to her, she's good at what she does!
The first session I was scared of her. I'm not sure what I was scared of, but in my mind she was a monster. Very intimidating. Yesterday, I actually saw her. She shared a bit about herself which also made her more human and less scary.
I took a depression test, the BDI. I scored 38 which labeled me as severely depressed. We talked a lot about how I still get out of bed in the morning, how I still function in the world feeling the way I do. I told her that I don't have a choice, if I want to live I HAVE to get out of bed in the morning, if I don't I can't live, I can't support myself or even start to take care of myself, it's something I HAVE to do. T gently reminded me that it's not something I have to do at all, I could collapse, I could stay in bed but I'm making a choice not to. I'm CHOOSING to get out of bed, I'm CHOOSING to take care of myself and continue working, to maintain my independence. I laughed. My counselor (this might get confusing, sorry!) has told me that numerous times, but I didn't completely believe it. I don't want to end up homeless and in a worse situation... that's a choice! It's was an AH HA! moment... the light bulb went off. This may sound stupid, but I didn't really know what a choice was and I didn't know I had a choice in the matter.
We touched on a very uncomfortable subject, T asked if I had self injuring behaviors. I wanted to jump out of the chair and run out the door. I couldn't look at her, I kept my head down and stared at my feet. I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before I breathed out the word yes. After I said yes, I looked at T, I NEEDED to see her reaction. T gave me what I needed and wanted, her expression wasn't one of disgust or shock, but one of understanding and kindness.
All of the seemingly little things T does is helping to create a safe space and slowly building trust.
I'm feeling a tiny bit more stronger today...
Monday, June 12, 2006
Wow...
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and ideas regarding the T's... you've all given me some really good things to think about. (I would reply via comments but I've been getting page cannot be displayed on all comments links for almost a week now) I think I am going to talk to my counselor about being a support person and start heading in the direction of the new T. I see T again this Wednesday, hopefully it won't be as hard and I'll be more present in the session. We'll see how it goes...
This weekend has been terrible and wonderful at the same time.
My dogs got into a fight. Spazz has a history of getting too excited which causes him to get stressed and he becomes aggressive towards the other dogs. Usually it's directed towards the other male in the pack, but this time it was directed at his sister Sandy. He hurt her fairly bad, and she has a 2 inch puncture on her face. I was devastated. I was thinking of putting Spazz down because he is unpredictable with the other dogs.
I can't do it.
I spent all of Saturday into Sunday morning crying and thinking. I kept thinking of how it's not his fault, he was abused and had I had him from a puppy he wouldn't be this way. I also thought about how I could help him. I don't think he deserves to be put down, he's a great dog in all other regards. I came to the conclusion of working with him and the other dogs more. I have an action plan...
I'm going to ensure they don't get too wound up and if they do, I will remove them from the situation. I will take them on more walks to help get rid of their energy. And I've got a couple books to read on how to work with canine aggression towards other canines.
I hope to God this works... I can't give up on him. I can't abandon him when he needs me to the most.
Some of you may be thinking it's just a dog. Well he's not. He's my best friend. He's one of the reasons I'm alive today. I rescued him and he's helped save me. I can't describe it any other way. He's my little boy...
My boyfriend and I have done a lot of talking about where we are headed. We've been together for eight months. He's good for me. He's there for me. I'm there for him. He makes me smile. He supports me. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man and with him, I feel safe. I trust him. I love him.
We're moving in together at the end of July.
I'm excited.
This weekend has been terrible and wonderful at the same time.
My dogs got into a fight. Spazz has a history of getting too excited which causes him to get stressed and he becomes aggressive towards the other dogs. Usually it's directed towards the other male in the pack, but this time it was directed at his sister Sandy. He hurt her fairly bad, and she has a 2 inch puncture on her face. I was devastated. I was thinking of putting Spazz down because he is unpredictable with the other dogs.
I can't do it.
I spent all of Saturday into Sunday morning crying and thinking. I kept thinking of how it's not his fault, he was abused and had I had him from a puppy he wouldn't be this way. I also thought about how I could help him. I don't think he deserves to be put down, he's a great dog in all other regards. I came to the conclusion of working with him and the other dogs more. I have an action plan...
I'm going to ensure they don't get too wound up and if they do, I will remove them from the situation. I will take them on more walks to help get rid of their energy. And I've got a couple books to read on how to work with canine aggression towards other canines.
I hope to God this works... I can't give up on him. I can't abandon him when he needs me to the most.
Some of you may be thinking it's just a dog. Well he's not. He's my best friend. He's one of the reasons I'm alive today. I rescued him and he's helped save me. I can't describe it any other way. He's my little boy...
My boyfriend and I have done a lot of talking about where we are headed. We've been together for eight months. He's good for me. He's there for me. I'm there for him. He makes me smile. He supports me. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man and with him, I feel safe. I trust him. I love him.
We're moving in together at the end of July.
I'm excited.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
New Therapist
So today I had a session with a new therapist. I wanted to see if I could handle face to face therapy.
Wow. It's so incredibly different. So much more challenging. More scary. Harder. Terrifying. Anxiety inducing.
I couldn't stop fidgeting or bouncing my knee or tapping my foot. I kept repeating in my head I want out of here, I don't want to be here, I don't like this.
The new T (T=therapist) has years of experience working with sexually abused women.
Being able to see facial expressions accompanying voice tones had a greater impact on me today. But at the same time, being looked at and watched and knowing that you're being watched and every movement you make is being scrutinized is completely unnerving. I told T that I wasn't comfortable with her looking at me all the time, especially if I'm thinking/processing something. She agreed not to do it as often or as long but said it's important for her to look at me for nonverbal queues.
T tried to delve into some heavy stuff today, but I wasn't going there. I warned her upfront that I'm going to be very resistant and closed off until I trust her and feel safe, and that it may take a long time for that to happen. After about 30 minutes into the session I interrupted her and told that I don't really remember what we've been talking about. She thanked me for letting her know I'm dissociating.
T prefers if I slowly stop working with my current counselor and focus working solely with her. I don't know what I think about that. There's a huge attachment to my current counselor, and I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but it allows me to talk to her and be honest. It took almost 6 months to develop that and I'm not ready to give that up and have to work again from the bottom with the new T. I trust my current counselor completely and I finally feel safe talking about things in our sessions. I've got some thinking to do I guess, and I would rather just work with both to cover different aspects. Practice saying things out loud with my counselor before even attempting it with T would be preferable. I don't know, the idea of not having sessions with my counselor scares the fuck outta me...
I guess that's what makes the counselor/client relationship so unique. There's this person, a real feeling person who listens to everything you say, gives you 100% of their focus/attention for an hour, they don't judge you or criticise you, they just listen and help you to see things differently, to make positive changes in your life... in a sense they're the best friend you've never had or lost. They're the stuffed animal or pet that you pour your heart out to, except they talk back. And you pay them. And everything is solely about you. So really, they're just there to help you and once you've been helped or healed you don't need them anymore, but I think you still want them there... I'm not really sure where this is going, I'm just rambling now... I guess I'm trying to say because I started working with my counselor and there's an attachment and a deep level of trust and security I'm not even remotely ready to give that up. She has helped me immensely, taken me to places I didn't think possible a year ago and I want to see it to the end with her.
But... at the same time I think the face to face will be more helpful in the long run. Being able to look into T's eyes as I told her something really hard and seeing the impact and softness and compassion and hearing it at the same time was healing in itself, even though it was terribly frightening and when the session was over I had to force myself not to run out the door and flee to my car.
I DON'T want to stop working with my counselor. I WANT to continue working face to face with new T. I think I can handle it, I think we can make it work. I WANT to make it work.... but is it possible?
Wow. It's so incredibly different. So much more challenging. More scary. Harder. Terrifying. Anxiety inducing.
I couldn't stop fidgeting or bouncing my knee or tapping my foot. I kept repeating in my head I want out of here, I don't want to be here, I don't like this.
The new T (T=therapist) has years of experience working with sexually abused women.
Being able to see facial expressions accompanying voice tones had a greater impact on me today. But at the same time, being looked at and watched and knowing that you're being watched and every movement you make is being scrutinized is completely unnerving. I told T that I wasn't comfortable with her looking at me all the time, especially if I'm thinking/processing something. She agreed not to do it as often or as long but said it's important for her to look at me for nonverbal queues.
T tried to delve into some heavy stuff today, but I wasn't going there. I warned her upfront that I'm going to be very resistant and closed off until I trust her and feel safe, and that it may take a long time for that to happen. After about 30 minutes into the session I interrupted her and told that I don't really remember what we've been talking about. She thanked me for letting her know I'm dissociating.
T prefers if I slowly stop working with my current counselor and focus working solely with her. I don't know what I think about that. There's a huge attachment to my current counselor, and I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but it allows me to talk to her and be honest. It took almost 6 months to develop that and I'm not ready to give that up and have to work again from the bottom with the new T. I trust my current counselor completely and I finally feel safe talking about things in our sessions. I've got some thinking to do I guess, and I would rather just work with both to cover different aspects. Practice saying things out loud with my counselor before even attempting it with T would be preferable. I don't know, the idea of not having sessions with my counselor scares the fuck outta me...
I guess that's what makes the counselor/client relationship so unique. There's this person, a real feeling person who listens to everything you say, gives you 100% of their focus/attention for an hour, they don't judge you or criticise you, they just listen and help you to see things differently, to make positive changes in your life... in a sense they're the best friend you've never had or lost. They're the stuffed animal or pet that you pour your heart out to, except they talk back. And you pay them. And everything is solely about you. So really, they're just there to help you and once you've been helped or healed you don't need them anymore, but I think you still want them there... I'm not really sure where this is going, I'm just rambling now... I guess I'm trying to say because I started working with my counselor and there's an attachment and a deep level of trust and security I'm not even remotely ready to give that up. She has helped me immensely, taken me to places I didn't think possible a year ago and I want to see it to the end with her.
But... at the same time I think the face to face will be more helpful in the long run. Being able to look into T's eyes as I told her something really hard and seeing the impact and softness and compassion and hearing it at the same time was healing in itself, even though it was terribly frightening and when the session was over I had to force myself not to run out the door and flee to my car.
I DON'T want to stop working with my counselor. I WANT to continue working face to face with new T. I think I can handle it, I think we can make it work. I WANT to make it work.... but is it possible?
Monday, June 05, 2006
hating this
The weekend was OK. I spent a lot of time lying in the hot sun. I wish I could say I got some really good thinking in, but I just stared blankly at the trees and listened to the songs of the birds. It was a fight to keep the tears at bay.
I usually love it at my cabin. I love being outdoors and in the woods. I'm fascinated with trees, every tree is completely unique. I love waking up, sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette and listening to the birds with my eyes closed. It's completely grounding and reminds me how beautiful life really is.
I didn't really enjoy it this time though.
I felt like crying instead of smiling.
I usually love it at my cabin. I love being outdoors and in the woods. I'm fascinated with trees, every tree is completely unique. I love waking up, sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette and listening to the birds with my eyes closed. It's completely grounding and reminds me how beautiful life really is.
I didn't really enjoy it this time though.
I felt like crying instead of smiling.
Friday, June 02, 2006
barely holding it together
Sad
Angry
Hurting
Lonely
Scared
Confused
Anxious
Lost
Combine all of those feelings and there I am, trapped in the middle. Drowning.
I haven't resorted to SI. Every hour that ticks by is an accomplishment.
ML pointed out something I didn't see - I'm feeling. I'm feeling intense, heavy feelings. That's a good thing. Haven't let myself feel anything like this before and I guess I wouldn't be feeling all of these things if I wasn't "ready" to feel them on some level.
I'm trying really really hard to stay strong. To keep pushing myself to keep my head above water. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It seems the never ending inner strength isn't really never ending and the end is fast approaching.
I'm going to my cabin for the weekend. My boyfriend, best friend and I are leaving this evening. My father never hurt me at the cabin, it's my only safe space. Maybe it'll help...
Something has to give... and thanks to my stubbornness, it's NOT going to be me.
The longer I sit here and stare at the screen, the more sad and angry I'm getting.
I'm fucking confused. And I'm pissed off.
The entire time in NY my father was the way all fathers should be. He was really kind and caring, told stories about me as a kid, funny ones that I didn't even remember. He took care of me.
I really don't want to admit it, but I enjoyed it. Warm feelings towards him started to develop, but at the same time my hatred grew. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him that he doesn't have a right to act fatherly, that he lost it the second he laid his perverted hands on me. I wanted to tell him to fuck off...
More than anything... I wanted him to say he's sorry. I wanted him to apologize for everything he did. I don't know why I want an apology, it won't take anything away or make it better. Well, it will take away the blame I still lay upon myself - still faltering with the whole it's not my fault thing.
And I'm crying again.
FUCK I HATE THIS
Why can't I just suck it up? Plunge it down and carry on?
Dammit
I am so fucking sick of just surviving. So sick of carrying this fucking bullshit with me all the damn time. I don't even know what it would be like to be free from this crap. What it would be like to wake up in the morning and smile and look forward to the day? What it would feel like to be clean instead of constantly feeling dirty and disgusting?
I feel so defeated.
Angry
Hurting
Lonely
Scared
Confused
Anxious
Lost
Combine all of those feelings and there I am, trapped in the middle. Drowning.
I haven't resorted to SI. Every hour that ticks by is an accomplishment.
ML pointed out something I didn't see - I'm feeling. I'm feeling intense, heavy feelings. That's a good thing. Haven't let myself feel anything like this before and I guess I wouldn't be feeling all of these things if I wasn't "ready" to feel them on some level.
I'm trying really really hard to stay strong. To keep pushing myself to keep my head above water. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It seems the never ending inner strength isn't really never ending and the end is fast approaching.
I'm going to my cabin for the weekend. My boyfriend, best friend and I are leaving this evening. My father never hurt me at the cabin, it's my only safe space. Maybe it'll help...
Something has to give... and thanks to my stubbornness, it's NOT going to be me.
The longer I sit here and stare at the screen, the more sad and angry I'm getting.
I'm fucking confused. And I'm pissed off.
The entire time in NY my father was the way all fathers should be. He was really kind and caring, told stories about me as a kid, funny ones that I didn't even remember. He took care of me.
I really don't want to admit it, but I enjoyed it. Warm feelings towards him started to develop, but at the same time my hatred grew. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to scream at him that he doesn't have a right to act fatherly, that he lost it the second he laid his perverted hands on me. I wanted to tell him to fuck off...
More than anything... I wanted him to say he's sorry. I wanted him to apologize for everything he did. I don't know why I want an apology, it won't take anything away or make it better. Well, it will take away the blame I still lay upon myself - still faltering with the whole it's not my fault thing.
And I'm crying again.
FUCK I HATE THIS
Why can't I just suck it up? Plunge it down and carry on?
Dammit
I am so fucking sick of just surviving. So sick of carrying this fucking bullshit with me all the damn time. I don't even know what it would be like to be free from this crap. What it would be like to wake up in the morning and smile and look forward to the day? What it would feel like to be clean instead of constantly feeling dirty and disgusting?
I feel so defeated.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
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