Saturday, September 30, 2006

Now What?

Boyfriend and I had the dreaded conversation. Y'know, the "are you the one for me"... not sure how it came about, something on the TV show Friends triggered it...

He doesn't know if I am the one for him. He said he's pretty sure that I am, but he's not positive.

I told him that after almost a year together if he still doesn't know, than I'm probably not and we should just stop wasting our time.

I don't think he gets it. It really hurt to hear that he's not sure.

I'm not looking for a ring either. I don't want that right now. What I NEED right now is to know that we're on the same page, future wise. I've let him in farther than I've ever let a man into my life, into my head, into all the spaces that are terrifying to let ANYONE in... and now knowing for sure that he's not sure I don't want him in those spaces. The emotional doors closed and up went the walls the second he said that.

Am I asking too much? Is expecting him to be in the same place as me unfair?

I don't know what to do. My heart broke when he said that... and with his "keeping my options open" approach to everything, well...

My usual reaction is to just run and cut the person who hurt me out of my life because there's been too much hurt.

Am I over-reacting?

The way I see it, I wouldn't have let him move in with me if I didn't think/feel/want/see a future together. Is this where men and women are different? I just don't see or understand how someone could commit to living together and not be sure about the other person? Maybe my thinking is clouded because there's a hurt I've never felt before.

I dunno... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this, somewhere I've never been and I'm basically lost...


Breeya said...

Dear survivor,

I am sorry you got hurt, I think I understand the way you feel.
You seem to be doing very well together. I haven´t commented for a while but I have been reading (I just can´t stay away). I wanted to comment in your last post, but I am too late there is a new one. You seem, to be doing very well, I mean you have achieved so much in your personal healing.

I think I may be a little bit like your boyfreind, always unsure. I think my boyfriend learnt to live with it, but many times it has caused problems, and I understand why. It´s perfectly understandable, and wouldn´t say you are asking too much.
But I guess sometimes two people take time to be in the same page. Some seem to "move" slower then others. The fact that he is not 100% sure now, doesn´t mean you are not the one for him.

"I just don't see or understand how someone could commit to living together and not be sure about the other person?"

I guess he is sure he wants to be with you right now.
When I first moved in with my boyfriend I wouldn´t have commited to a long term future, as in forever, but I was sure I wanted to live with him.
It doesn´t mean that I thought it wasn´t going to be forever, I didn´t positively think not, I didn´t positively think neither.
By this time we had been together for two years.

I don´t mean to say with this that you should park away your needs, not at all.
You should do what you feel will be best for you.
I hope this doesn´t break your trust in him. Because that is something very important you have gained from this relationship. Whatever happens now, you have been able to trust him and let him in, and I think that is something so precious, that you have been able to have that relationship, that closeness.

I hope that the hurt doesn´t take everything away, and you can recover the good things.

My thinking is a bit clouded today, i hope I had made some sense.

survivor said...

Thanks Breeya, you gave me a lot to think about.

Wanda's Wings said...

I am no expert on relationships. I feel you have to go with your heart. I hope the best for you. Just don't rush one way or the other.

The Missing Link said...

Haven't been around much lately due to my own health issues, but I cannot even tell you how much sense you make. I feel the same way with wanting to snip the ties forever... erase forever the few men that I have let into "my dirty little secrets." Everytime I share more, it's a test. And if he's still around, I share more after that... and so on. But every single time, there comes a point where the hurt takes over and I wish I never shared at all. I can't explain or control it, except to just know that I am so fucking angry for feeling like my past experiences get "in the way" of a relationship my heart really, truly wants. I'm just as confused with how to ever make a relationship work with anyone, to successfully progress, step by step, with someone who wants to love and be loved in "that way" as much as I do... to have that closeness and emotional intimacy with someone I am not scared of. Instead, it gets messed up before I realize what's happening, we're "just friends," and I'm left regretting ever opening the door in the first place.

I'm so sorry you are having confusion regarding this specific relationship. As a survivor (in my opinion anyway), especially if the assualt/abuse was our first experience with a man, by a man who was supposed to care for us and love us, whole trust and emotional intimacy is a tricky, tricky thing to learn. I've, sadly, reached the point where, considering my new health issues on top of everything else now, definitely makes me damaged goods... not worth it... way too complicated and fucked up to ever "deal with." I am seriously doubting if anyone is ever going to want to be with "this."

I do wish the two of you can survive this rough patch together. You're always in my thoughts, sweetie, and defin wish you nothing but the most happiness and safety with a man your heart can love and trust... no doubts, no regrets, no questions asked. Because real love, well, just is, isn't it? And anything worth having does require a little struggle here and there... just to keep us on our toes :)

Much Love

cheesemeister said...

I've heard that line before and it hurts. I really don't know what to advise because I'm not in it. I just know I don't want my emotions to be at the mercy of another person that way ever again. It's no fun to be played like a yo-yo, that whole "come here, keep away" game. They say there are guys out there who aren't like this.
I can only wish you good luck. I am certainly not good at the "romance" thing so I'm probably not qualified to advise!

survivor said...

Thanks Wanda...

ML - good to hear from you. What health issues?

Cie, you got that right, having your emotions at the mercy of another person. I don't understand how people do it everyday...