I'm still on vacation but I brought my laptop with me because I had a feeling I might need to write.
I had an in person session with C yesterday. I was incredibly nervous and anxious before the session and for the first little bit. It's a different dynamic face to face as opposed to the phone. It's much more challenging face to face.
There was a bit of an AH-HA! moment close to the end of the session and I kinda wish we could have spent more time talking about it, but we'll continue where we left off in our next session I'm sure.
We talked about my relationship with my mother and the lack of boundaries there is. We talked a lot about of how I feel/think that I deserve everything that has happened, my father molesting me, being raped, being in a physical/emotionally abusive marriage, still being emotionally abused by my mother... I deserve this because my parents didn't want me, I was a mistake. An IUD gone wrong or the long running joke of me being the flu before my mother found out she was pregnant. We talked about why I bow down to my mother and give in and do anything and everything she wants no matter how it affects me... I've been thinking of nothing else non-stop since the session yesterday afternoon and I had another AH-HA! moment while brushing my teeth this morning. I not only deserve to be a door mat, I need to earn my mothers love by taking care of her and basically serving her needs before mine. I NEED TO EARN HER LOVE. EARN. I don't deserve it, sometimes I don't want it, but I desperately NEED it. I wasn't wanted, and not being wanted and constantly being reminded of that I feel grateful that I wasn't abandoned, aborted, discarded... so because that didn't happen, and even though she hurts me and has in some ways abandoned me I still feel grateful for what I did get.. and the positive things I did get I didn't deserve, but the abuse I did deserve...
Going back to the session.... I looked at C and asked "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Saying those words was crushing. I almost broke, I almost let the tears out but I covered my face and pulled them back, I pressed my thumb nails into my fingers as hard as I could so the physical pain took center stage and the tears vanished.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I thought I was passed this part of it, that there is nothing wrong with me, it's them. I'm not passed this, not even close. Talking to C about the above brought it back. No... not back, more like in focus.
How can there be nothing wrong with me for my father to repeatedly abuse me, my mother to tell me that she wishes I wasn't born, to be raped, to marry a man who continues the abuse not only emotionally but physically as well. All of these people are or were in my life and there's nothing wrong with me? I don't think so...
I think I am fucking defective, broken and pathetic, damaged and destroyed... so defective and worthless that I don't deserve any better. After all I was an IUD gone wrong, I shouldn't be here, and honestly, more often than not, I don't want to be here.
My boyfriend keeps bugging me while I'm trying to write this, I've asked him to please leave me alone as I need to do some writing, but he just won't stop bugging me, tickling my feet, grabbing my legs scaring the hell out of me. He thinks my reactions are funny, I'm ready to snap and just scream at him to fuck off...
And again... what the fuck is wrong with me?