Wednesday, September 06, 2006

still

I'm still on vacation but I brought my laptop with me because I had a feeling I might need to write.

I had an in person session with C yesterday. I was incredibly nervous and anxious before the session and for the first little bit. It's a different dynamic face to face as opposed to the phone. It's much more challenging face to face.

There was a bit of an AH-HA! moment close to the end of the session and I kinda wish we could have spent more time talking about it, but we'll continue where we left off in our next session I'm sure.

We talked about my relationship with my mother and the lack of boundaries there is. We talked a lot about of how I feel/think that I deserve everything that has happened, my father molesting me, being raped, being in a physical/emotionally abusive marriage, still being emotionally abused by my mother... I deserve this because my parents didn't want me, I was a mistake. An IUD gone wrong or the long running joke of me being the flu before my mother found out she was pregnant. We talked about why I bow down to my mother and give in and do anything and everything she wants no matter how it affects me... I've been thinking of nothing else non-stop since the session yesterday afternoon and I had another AH-HA! moment while brushing my teeth this morning. I not only deserve to be a door mat, I need to earn my mothers love by taking care of her and basically serving her needs before mine. I NEED TO EARN HER LOVE. EARN. I don't deserve it, sometimes I don't want it, but I desperately NEED it. I wasn't wanted, and not being wanted and constantly being reminded of that I feel grateful that I wasn't abandoned, aborted, discarded... so because that didn't happen, and even though she hurts me and has in some ways abandoned me I still feel grateful for what I did get.. and the positive things I did get I didn't deserve, but the abuse I did deserve...

Going back to the session.... I looked at C and asked "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Saying those words was crushing. I almost broke, I almost let the tears out but I covered my face and pulled them back, I pressed my thumb nails into my fingers as hard as I could so the physical pain took center stage and the tears vanished.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I thought I was passed this part of it, that there is nothing wrong with me, it's them. I'm not passed this, not even close. Talking to C about the above brought it back. No... not back, more like in focus.

How can there be nothing wrong with me for my father to repeatedly abuse me, my mother to tell me that she wishes I wasn't born, to be raped, to marry a man who continues the abuse not only emotionally but physically as well. All of these people are or were in my life and there's nothing wrong with me? I don't think so...

I think I am fucking defective, broken and pathetic, damaged and destroyed... so defective and worthless that I don't deserve any better. After all I was an IUD gone wrong, I shouldn't be here, and honestly, more often than not, I don't want to be here.

My boyfriend keeps bugging me while I'm trying to write this, I've asked him to please leave me alone as I need to do some writing, but he just won't stop bugging me, tickling my feet, grabbing my legs scaring the hell out of me. He thinks my reactions are funny, I'm ready to snap and just scream at him to fuck off...

And again... what the fuck is wrong with me?

9 comments:

Chris said...

I am so glad that you were able to talk to C about your mom and how she affects your life.

I wish there was a way that I could help you...a way that I could shield you from all the negative people in your life.

This is just my opinion, but I truly believe that no child is a mistake - if the IUD failed, it failed for a reason. God does not make mistakes. You are here for a reason, and maybe you will realize what it is one day, and maybe you won't. Maybe by writing this blog, and sharing your story and your feelings, you will be able to affect the life of someone that you will never know. You don't know who's reading this and never commenting, right?

I see a purpose for you...and I hope that you will be able to see it one day too.

eddie said...

Very nice :)
Maybe we exchange links?
http://mragowskiemolo.blogspot.com - my blog.
If so then write me on mail, or speak in comments on my site :)

jumpinginpuddles said...

you are hurting and open and raw that is what is wrong with you, raw because its opened wounds youve tried to hide and wounds that are now open and in time with gentle support and help will hopefully slowly heal.
Still walking beside you

Amelia

Breeya said...

Hi Survivor,

I don't know when the feeling that there is something wrong with us really, defenitely goes away. I have also thought that I was passed it and then found myself going back to it.

But the thruth is that there is nothing qrong WITH you, wrong was DONE TO you.

It doesn't matter whether the pregnancy was planned or not, that doesn't make you less deserving of anyhting. You were born and that is all that matters, all children are equally desrving and lovable.
I wasn't planned either. My father wanted my mother to have an abortion. So my father didn't want me...not even that is accurate, he didn't want to have more children, nothing personal involved. He didn't make his decision based on who I am because I wasn't anyone.

"How can there be nothing wrong with me for my father to repeatedly abuse me, my mother to tell me that she wishes I wasn't born, to be raped, to marry a man who continues the abuse not only emotionally but physically as well. All of these people are or were in my life and there's nothing wrong with me? I don't think so..."

There was something wrong with your father to do that to you.
I know you know all these things but after reading your post I really feel I must say them.
What can a kid do that makes her deserving of abuse?
Your mothers remaider that you were not planned is just mean, emotional abuse.
These poeople were in your life, unfortunately, but they were "imposed" on you. No one chooses her parents.
You probably now that poeple who have suffer abused as children are more likely to get involved in abusive relationships. Apparently humans are more attracted to what is familiar than to what is good.
So the fact that you were raped and that your husband was abusive is probably linked to the child abuse you suffered.
So really if anyone is not deserving here is your parents.

You are are caring, strong adult now, despite all that has happened, that has been done to you. And that is amazing.
You mean a lot to many people, like me, who you have helped with your openess, courage and honesty.

big hug.

Wanda's Wings said...

No one ever deserves to be abused! Not ever. You are not what is wrong, other people in your life have been wrong. Every child should be loved and wanted. It's wrong for child not to have this love. The lack of love leaves an open place that wants to be filled. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly, but you are not the problem! No one deserves to be molested or rapped. Continue to work with your C. Do not blame yourself. You are worth it!

hazel8500 said...

Hi again, havn't been by in a while, I hope you loved Vancouver, I do!
Rain? What rain?

I'm so sorry you are struggling with feelings of worthlessness and self loathing at this time.
I want to give you something I hope can help you. Something that helped me. Its an aha I had while struggling with my own issues of distanglement from a family and personal history of intergenerational abuse.

This feeling you have now? It will pass. It may return again and again in time, but it will subside as you work through your personal stuff. That's one of the upsides of getting stronger and developing healthier attitudes and mind sets then we were indoctrinated with from cradle to whenever. I'm confident of that because of my own experiences of turning self loathing into self loving. Its a natural progression, as my doctor told me when I expressed exasperation at the feelings of grief and anger I was dealing with, the only way to get through this, is to go through this. The pain. Its tricky, not to get stuck in the pain too long, or forever. As you begin to emerge from what has been done to you, and you blink in the sunshine of emotional freedom, you will be so in love with yourself for making it through, and of all your hard work that got you through, your bluest days need never be quite so blue again. This has been my experience, blue days come, but not like before cuz I know, I have the tools now to deal with this.

Please let me share with you the source of my conviction of your impending love affair with yourself (no I'm not being crude, but hey whatever floats yer boat) ;)

On an intellectual level I"knew" there was nothing wrong with the person I was/am, that these horrible things were not my fault, or the fault of the sweet child I once was.

In each generation before me, the victims and the victimizers, expended incredible energy to deny their actions, responsibility, or their memories, rather than funnel that focus and energy in getting well.

After carefully reconstructing a realistic family history, seperate from the family fantasy that usualy passed as truth, I realised that I was different. Like you I won't deny, I even asked why (don't go there, there is no answer) I began to reach out, share my story, get some counceling when I could afford it, and continued self directed therapy during the periods I couldn't. By hook or by crook, I chose only one thing I really wanted out of life, not to simply survive (which was the goal mentioned by each of my predecessor's) but to thrive. In health, in full command of my faculties , meaning hacking away certain comfortable delussions I too carried, about myself, my family and the world in general. I was different from them, and from what they do, have done, or might do in the future.


When all else fails, remember that about yourself. As yucky and painful and disgusting as some of it gets? You are changing your family's future with the work you are doing on yourself, and for yourself. The buck stops with you.


I've admired what I've read here of your struggle, and I recognise so much of what you express as being feelings, or circumstances i have also faced down. BTW, the letter to the sperm donor? Priceless, absolutely wonderful. I'm so glad you took the opportunity to hand deliver it too. Classy.

That's how I see you, classy, courageous, and incrediblbuilt quite an impressive blog, and resource center.

...Stands up...

"I applaud you Miss!"

the crowd goes wild.

Pat yourself on the back, you're a warrior, and your winning ground every day.

Hazel.

cheesemeister said...

It's not you that's wrong. It's the fucks who did the evil to you that are wrong!
As to your boyfriend, my ex husband would do similar things to me. He did the same thing to our son until he was 16 and told him in no uncertain terms to knock it the fuck off. I think it's a form of passive agressive behavior to do things of this nature to a person who doesn't want them done. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth to hear about it.

Patricia Pomeroy Tanner said...

Dear lady,

I have read the above comments and I couldn't have said it better, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Please continue to get help. You were not an accident. You were meant to be. What you do about your mother is up to you but maybe you should take some time and think about setting some limits where she is concerned. For example, you could say something like. "We can only have a conversation if you stop," [whatever she is saying that is putting all her problems on you.] If I ever started doing, what she is doing to you,to my daughter, she would stop me in a heartbeat. You do not have to take it. I mean that you should do it in a loving, respectful way and then if you decide to do it, don't back down. If you hold your grownd sooner or later she will realize that you mean it and hopefully she will stop it. If you two could get past it, you might begin to develop a new and good relationship. What I said was just a suggestion. Please at least think about it. Whatever you decide. I will keep you in my prayers.


Blessings,

Patricia

survivor said...

Thanks Chris, your words are uplifting.

((((big safe hugs))) Amelia - thanks for walking with me

Breeya - you always strike a chord in me that sparks something... thanks ((((hugs))))

Wanda, you're right, no one deserves it.

Hazel, WOW! I've printed your comment and put it my wallet to remind me... thank you!

Cie, Glad your son stood up.

Patricia, Thanks for the great ideas, appreciate it.