Monday, September 11, 2006

Back to reality

We got back early yesterday morning, again spending the night driving. I let my boyfriend sleep most of the way back and I drove like a crazy woman!

We had an awesome time on our trip and didn't want to come back. My boyfriend has fallen in love with the Vancouver area so we will be definitely moving in the next few years.

When we got back I started to count the hours before my mother started in on me... 6 hours and 23 minutes! She started with a guilt trip and moved on to how she's broke and she's never been this broke before and somehow it's MY fault!! I wanted to blow up at her but I didn't yell, I remained calm and told her she was a big girl who needs take care of herself and that it's NOT my fault and to stop blaming me for everything because it's bullshit and that if she keeps pushing me I'm leaving. She absolutely freaked out and started screaming all kinds of nasty things at me so I got in my car and left. I went for a long drive (not like I needed one after spending 13 hours driving home that night) and when I came back, I ignored her for the rest of the day. Doing the whole silent treatment deal I kinda felt like a child, but she hasn't gone off on me yet today so I guess we'll see. And really, I can't leave. Well, no, I could move out, but I'd have to give up my dogs and I'm NOT doing that. I guess I have to work really hard on setting boundaries and blocking her out... thing is, there's so many areas that I need to work on, that I need help with, I really don't know where to start or what to focus on...

I also fell off the "wagon" while on vacation and smoked copious amounts of pot. I must say it was awesome and I really enjoyed it. Each joint slowed me down, turned my mind off and just relaxed me. Before I started smoking again I was a ball of nerves, constantly thinking and not even remotely relaxed. Much to hard to resist temptation with the Amsterdam Cafe only a few blocks away... and really, you can't get any better than BC bud. I don't really even feel guilty for smoking again, not sure what is up with that, maybe it's because I was on vacation?? Now that I'm back in hell though, I don't plan on smoking...

I'm here, I'm at work, I'm doing my job, but I'm running on auto pilot. Even though I should be refreshed from vacation it feels like I never left. Last night I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach knowing I had to go back to work today. I've also been fighting for a raise for a few months now, and they are still dancing around the issue so... I QUIT! I quit my job... I gave them three weeks notice, hopefully in that time I will have another job lined up ready to go, if not, well I'll cross that bridge when it comes. I'm anxious, relieved, scared and excited all at once...

7 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

Wow! you did great with your Mom. Sounds like you got a lot going on! You continue to take care of yourself. Welcome back to the blog world anyway!

cheesemeister said...

Your courage to reveal your truth inspired me to reveal this truth.
http://psychosphere.blogspot.com/2006/09/33-year-old-secret.html
It's real pussy shit compared to what you've been through. But it was very, very, hard for me to do and it has been eating me up inside for a long time.
Peace.

Breeya said...

Dear Survivor,

I am glad that you enjoyed the holidays.
I think that you are doing very well with your mother as well. You are right she is, or should be, an independent adult in every sense.
About the job, very brave decision. Best luck with it!

jumpinginpuddles said...

wow a vacation can change so many things cant it and at the same time change nothing wierd isnt it

The Missing Link said...

haha, you posted this at exactly 4:20... that should put a smile on your face :)

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! You told your mother she's a big girl...she needs to take care of herself...stop blaming you...it's bullshit...if she doesn't stop you're leaving!!! Way to go! I'm proud of you. Little steps, an' more little steps. Just keep goin' on!

survivor said...

Thanks Wanda!

Cie, our experiences our different and have affected us in different ways. Please don't discount your experiences. (((safe hugs)))

Thanks Breeya!

JIP - how true that is.

MIL - thanks for the giggle!!!

Thanks Marj!