Tuesday, February 03, 2009

3rd time, 3 different people

I was sexually assaulted in December 2008. Again.

I just about lost it. I walked into my house and tried calling the police but I couldn't even dial the phone. I just stood there shaking, so full of rage that another person had violated my body that I could have killed him if I wasn't overwhelmed with flashbacks.

My fiance (J) and I were coming home from getting dinner at A&W and this guy was walking in the middle of the street in front of my house and wouldn't get out of the way so I could park. I honked the horn at him and he started yelling at me, waving his arms like he was trying to fly. I recognized him as a crack head who frequents the store where I work. I put the window down and asked him to move, he told me to suck his cock but he at least moved out of the way. I parked and got out and told him he can't talk to me like that. He spouted off more filth, and I walked over to him and told him to shut up and to get the fuck outta here - MY MISTAKE. He reached out and grabbed my breasts, squeezed and laughed. I shoved him, twice, and started screaming for J who was trying to get the tire iron out of the truck. I was going to punch him, pound the living hell out of him, kick him until he was unrecognizable. All I could think was KILL KILL KILL... and then I lost it. I got really scared instead. I saw my father flash before my eyes, I saw Byron holding me down and that twisted look on his face. J finally took heed of my shouting for him and I screamed what this guy did and J ripped off his jacket and started walking towards him. J was going to kill him, I called J back and told him it's not worth it. Let the police deal with it because I'll be damned if I'm not reporting this one.

So that's what happened. I approached when I shouldn't have. I recognized him, had talked to him a few times, knew he was a crack head and thought he was harmless because he was always stoned and could barely walk.

So when I got to the house and stormed through the door, wracked with sobs and partially unintelligible because I was mumbling I said to my mother that I was just sexually assaulted in front of the house. Can you believe I didn't know the number to the Police? It didn't even cross my mind to call 911, no I wanted to call dispatch. I couldn't dial the phone, I was shaking and crying. I could barely breathe. I tossed the phone at my mother and asked her to call the police.

The police show up. They take my statement. I'm running on auto pilot at this point. I answer their questions the best I can, I write an official police report. They tell me they have brought a dog out to find this guy but because the sent is over 30 minutes old it's doubtful they'll find him. I remind the officer that I KNOW this guy from where I work but I don't know his name but I sure as hell can point him out. They promise me that I will hear from them in a few days at the latest. They'll do everything they can to catch him... BLAH BLAH BLAH

I haven't heard from them. Not one single peep. I took a week off work because I was too scared I'd see him again and freeze. I called the Constable who took my statement and police report, he never called me back. My first experience reporting to the police is a nightmare and I am ever glad I never bothered to do so before this. What a waste of fucking time. Not only is it humiliating to explain to a stranger that you have been touched, fondled, squeezed and laughed at but then they do nothing. They can't even be bothered to return your phone call.

I have been struggling with this since it happened. I keep thinking that there HAS to be something wrong with me, that I've done something to deserve this. Three times, three different people. My father who used me for years. Byron. Now this guy.

I don't understand why this has affected me as much as it has. I've been through worse. Much much worse. I'm scared to go out by myself. I carry my knife with me 24/7 and I now have a baseball bat in the truck. At work I don't go anywhere without the bear spray canister. I already know I won't be able to use them. Guess who came into the store last week?

Yep. You guessed it.

I froze for a second after he walked in. The thought of calling the police and telling them he was here crossed my mind for a fraction of a second and then I thought Why? What the fuck are those useless asshats going to do? Show up in 20 minutes after he is long gone? Take another statement and then do NOTHING?

So I simply served him and let him go...


... rOohAnI said...

Fuck! Not again!!
Don't blame urself for any of this u do NOT deserve this!! U just happen to get into these situations..
Have u heard of a dvd called 'The Secret'?? U really need to watch it, u'l know why this happens to u..
Dont go into depression. U can deal with this! Please just watch that dvd it'l change many things in ur life..
I hope for the best :)

... rOohAnI said...

Fuck! Not again!!
Don't blame urself for any of this u do NOT deserve this!! U just happen to get into these situations..
Have u heard of a dvd called 'The Secret'?? U really need to watch it, u'l know why this happens to u..
Dont go into depression. U can deal with this! Please just watch that dvd it'l change many things in ur life..
I hope for the best :)

Anonymous said...

I've read most of your posts. I cried, I care and I'm praying. It will be well, it's trite but true

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a regular reader of your blog. I have felt a lot of pain in life. So, i thought may be writing a blog can lower my pain.


Breeya said...

Dear survivor,

I read this post some time ago, and I have checked your site several times after that. Hoping to read something from you.
I thought I had already left a comment, the first time I came, but I guess I must have been too overwhelmed at the time.

I am really sorry this happened to you, again!!
But it is not you. There is nothing wrong with you.
You do not deserve this happening to you, you never did.
The fact that in general the authorities are not helpful is terrible, but unfortunately true.
That is why most rapes go unreported.
Society has a long way to go in changing this.

I was very disappointed and hurt by my family's reaction when I decided to tell. It made me wonder how it would be like to try do something legally. If the people who loved me reacted that way what could I expect form a stranger?
The issue is not that simple as a police are not emotionally involved with the perpetrator, but neither are they with the victim.

In any case, I didn't intend to ramble, I just wanted to say, please do write again, even if only to let us now you are still there.
I am awfully worried about you.



Wanda's Wings said...

God I'm sorry! WHY!!!! How much can one person take? Please take care of yourself.

sarah said...

I was raped and held for six months before I got away. I know what being violated feels like. You don't deserve what happened. I feel angry for you. Hang in there ok. Sarah

Anonymous said...

They should all be executed No one deserves anything terrible like that Im so angry

frank said...

would you tell me what i have to do? I was very disappointed and hurt by my family's reaction when I decided to tell. It made me wonder how it would be like to try do something legally.

percheron Gray said...

So glad I found your blog. Peace, love, and hugs. I hope you pick blogging back up some day. I am so sorry that you were assaulted again. You do not deserve that.

Anonymous said...

Dear Survivor, Breeya, Frank, Sarah and anyone else who happens to read this blog and these comments that has been raped, either recently or not:

You are not alone. You are not at fault. There is help out there for you, legal help and emotional help.

Let me introduce myself (this might be a bit long). My name is Petra but most call me Pete. I was raped when I was 14 and 15 years old. I reported it and got some justice (which this is a-whole-nother story). However, I know a lot of people who are raped don't get the justice and/or help that they need. I write for Examiner.com on this very topic. I also have a blog on wordpress.com (endrape.wordpress.com) and it is my goal to help people who have been through this.

There is much that you can do to get help. You can call RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), you can email me at petrah525@gmail.com; you can contact your local rape crisis center, you can see a therapist. I recommend all of these. If you decide to email me: I am not a therapist, I am not someone who will report the rape for you, that is your decision to make and while I encourage it, it is still your decision. I am just a young lady who wants to help. Many victims of sexual assault don't have friends and family that they can turn to. I'm here to be someone you can talk to. Someone who will understand what you're going through, because I've been through it. Someone who will talk to you like a human being, not a patient. I am just a woman who is in school, majoring in photography, and working alongside RAINN to help others. That's all.

If you need to, please do not hesitate to email me. I will listen, I will be there for you to talk to, vent to, and cry to. I will never charge you money for this. EVER! I don't work with RAINN or write for Examiner for the money (RAINN does not pay, and Examiner doesn't pay much lol) I do it because I want to help. Period.

Again, my email is petrah525@gmail.com and please do not hesitate to do so if you need to.

Thank you for your time and I apologize for this being so long. Sending love and hugs to all of you!


kendra30752 said...

Wow! I am so terribly sorry for what you've gone through hon. I have to say though, I was interested in your blog because I am a rape victim too. I just recently shared publicly about it. Anyways, that man is an ass! You story sounds so similar to mine. I went to the police after being raped & they did nothing! I thought it was just me, but apparently police don't give a crap about women and their bodies being violated. It sucks that you had to serve the asshole. Another reason you remind me so much of my situation is because you said your partner was ready to take up for you and rip that guy a new one. My partner is the same way. He got ahold of my rapist a year after it happened and he done some damage. I hate that men like this get to run free.

It's ridiculous that women can't go out in public without being violated! It's like we're objects and have no say about our own bodies. It angers me so badly.

I think you are so tremendously brave for sharing your stories here. I hope you keep your head up because you are strong and to have gone through what you have is horrifying. You are brave!

Also, I had an incident after being raped (years later) where a different man tried to do it to me again! I was able to get away from him before he actually attacked me thank God, but I've felt like since it almost happened again, that it must be me, I must be doing something wrong, but after reading your story, I honestly think some women like me & you are just the type that tends to attract creeps! What is it about creeps being all going after women who've been violated already in some way? It's like they can sense it!

Well, I really admire you for speaking up. I just recently was told that by my speaking publicly about my own experience, that is me refusing to be silenced by my attacker. I think the same for you. You are so brave for refusing to let him win and silence you.

I'm following your blog & I would love to keep in touch with you! I wish you the very best throughout your journey of healing and I know it takes alot of time and hell to choose to confront this. I've never known or talked to other rape victims before, but I would think it would be helpful to be able to talk about it with someone who can relate.

I am again, so sorry you had to endure this hell. I hope you will get your justice one way or the other!

Warm wishes,

Anonymous said...

Check out the website of Medical Whistleblower it has lots of information about PTSD from the perspective of the victim/survivor


Anonymous said...

Just hang in there. Its not you. I'm a 280lbs father of 3 and married to a wonderful woman but I am a survivor of incest. I'm in good shape and imposing physically but I still freeze like the 5 year old I was when it happened. I'm supposed to be the protector but instead I'm the coward. Then I think of the things I should have done and regret and blame myself again and again. On the bright side, these animals eventually get their dues. All we can do is hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Very sorry and sad to read about this happening to you. I agree, telling the police about this should have gotten you some kind of justice. I would consider the possibility of going to the station where the officer is located and asking him directly and pointedly WHY they chose not to follow up on your report. Question law enforcement policy. Ask "is it law enforcement policy to ignore an assault report?" DON'T let him off the hook on an answer. He may evade you, or make excuses, but one way or another he WILL have to answer you, at which you can reply with whatever response you think appropriate. If it's even possible, you can ask to speak to his commanding officer. THAT'S likely to get his attention pretty quick, and file a complaint against HIM for not following up. And, you might add that the negative attitudes of the public to law enforcement are only made WORSE by non actions like theirs. Even if nothing else happens, you've made your feelings known.