Light Duty

I've lost my mind. I am extremely stressed out. By the time Friday rolls around I'm a complete mess. My temper is rearing it's ugly head. I can't sit still. I can't sleep. I stare blindly at the television. I'm developing twitches in my eyes and fingers.

I've lost it.

I missed 3 and half days of work in the past 2 weeks. I left this past Friday on the verge of tears and an tantrum. When I wanted to thrown my phone across the office I decided I had better leave. I wanted to pack a bag, take my dogs and just leave, start fresh some where else.

My manager pulled me into a meeting this morning. I told him I am extremely stressed and I can't handle this job on top of personal things I'm dealing with. He said he could put me on light duty because they don't want to loose me. I agreed. I had no other choice really, either keep working and live or quit and lose everything. My manager then told me that this job isn't worth my health and they'll do everything they can to help me... bullshit! It's this job that is breaking me down, putting my stress over the edge. I can't go into much detail, but the contract is over July 31 and they have guaranteed all of us jobs, but doing what is the question. They have offered training and such but with no details. I have no idea where I will be at the end of July. I can't handle that, I need to know. I need that stability. I've asked many many times but they go in circles. I've stopped asking.

I want out of this city. The cost of living is skyrocketing but wages aren't increasing. Correction, they're increasing if you're in the oil industry or a rig pig. For starters, it's a boy's club... don't have a penis, you can't play. It's 2007 and that's still an issue. I won't even go into how much that pisses me off because I'm able bodied, I can do ANY work any damn man could... anyway, I'm slowly sinking financially. Every month it's getting a little bit worse. The city now plans to increase residential property taxes by another 10% after a 7% hike in December, yet they are giving a commercial property tax break, lifting the tax levies on businesses and have the gull to tell everyone that they can't afford to fill all the pot holes!!! I hate this fucking place... and to top it off, the city was just named the Murder Capital of Canada!!!!

Time to move?? Uh yeah...

My father is moving to BC - thank fucking god! I've seen him a lot lately, more than I see him in a year in the past few weeks. I get the pleasure of seeing him tomorrow after work... that's just fucking killing me. He slapped my ass with a shoe horn the last time I saw him. I almost jumped out of my skin, but did I say anything? Nope! Not a damn thing, little me just cowers away and then beats myself up for days after. Him moving to BC has thwarted my plans... I want to move to BC. And we are actually talking about it. The housing market here is retarded, the average cost of a single family home is well over $400 000 - the place I want to move to is about $150 000. I've found a couple places I'd like to work there as well - get out of IT and go back in Hotel Management, something I actually enjoyed. My mother, my boyfriend and I are looking at houses there as well. We've found a couple we like and are going to drive out and take a look in person, probably this weekend. It's time to get out of this shitty city and start new. If we can sell this house, take the cash buy a new house out right, pay off all of the bills and still have 100 grand to play with we'll be laughing... and of course I can get out of this house where I was abused and raped... oh how much better it would be.

I'm just rambling, but I've been holding this in and am on the verge of completely snapping...

I see my doctor on the 17th - asking for an increase in my meds. Originally I was going to ask for short term disability, but with light duty I might be able to last until the end of July...

Did I mention I feel like crying all the damn time?
I've been having thoughts of suicide again... while walking through the 4th of a building downtown I imagined jumping...
I want to self harm like fucking crazy because I know I will feel better, at least temporarily...
I tried to contact T but she's moved to BC too (anyone see a trend here?) and referred me to someone else but I can't work up the courage to call... I don't really even want to, but I was in a crisis last week and I think I still kind of am...

My mind just won't stop...