March 1st - SI Day

Dr Deb posted this

Thanks Dr Deb!

Odd

Well, I survived! Yay for me... and everyone else who makes it through the battle. Gold stars all around!

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle.

I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living. Taking each breath but not breathing.

I'm having a hard time concentrating and trying to write. My thoughts are all over the place.

I think I miss T and C but won't admit it. OK, yeah, I miss them. But at the same time I don't. I'm becoming the person I was, the person I know, whom I comfortable with. The one who doesn't have feelings, who doesn't really give a fuck what happens...

Fuck.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore

The dreaded day

Is fast approaching...

I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.

We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...

We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.

It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.

I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.

And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.

If I hold on to that it will be OK...

I WILL BE OK