Some Changes

Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely.

I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.

I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.

I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...

Anyway, I'm just rambling...

I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.

My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...

I burned myself.

I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.

I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...

It's all so confusing sometimes...

I'm back...

It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.

Sigh.

Sometimes, I just don't get it.

Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.

That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.

Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"

How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?

One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...

"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "

I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...

And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.

Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...

How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?

If that happened would I be better off?

Sadly, I don't think so.

There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.

I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.

I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...