Friday, September 30, 2005

Lost Innocence

That little girl is gone.

She disappeared the day it happened.

What is left is insurmountable pain, sadness, anger and hate.

Incest and Child Sexual Abuse is such a taboo. It's rarely talked about. Victims are usually left to suffer in silence. If we do speak up, we are rarely heard, or believed.

I spent the whole of my childhood living in fear. Not understanding what I did to deserve this. Always trying to be the perfect daughter so maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't hurt me that night. I was Daddy's special girl, his favorite he used to tell me, that's why we have our secret play times, because I was special. I didn't want to be special, I didn't want to be his favorite, I didn't want to be hurt anymore.

I blame myself for being special. For being a beautiful, innocent little girl. Imagine being a child and wanting to die. Imagine saying your bedtimes prayers pleading with God, trying to make deals with God, offering him your dog so you can have just one night without being hurt. Now imagine those prayers not being answered.

I was just a little girl.


Ophelia said...

I know the pleading with God thing, over and over until I got it ito my head that God had nothing to do with the world I lived in. It's funny how I'm still angry that the prayers weren't answered - like I can't stop being angry.

Be good to yourself. Try not to hate yourself.

Wishing you joy, and relief from the memories.

Ayne said...

I was raped as a child, by a teacher. It hurts, it hurts so fucking bad. I know how the pleading with God thing works. I realized my rape when I was about 13. I used to ask God to die, pray for God to take me away. I wasn't actually raped, more like molested. It matters...

Caroline said...

this is exactly it, i'm even crying right now, I know all of this,