March 1st - SI Day

Dr Deb posted this

Thanks Dr Deb!

Odd

Well, I survived! Yay for me... and everyone else who makes it through the battle. Gold stars all around!

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle.

I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living. Taking each breath but not breathing.

I'm having a hard time concentrating and trying to write. My thoughts are all over the place.

I think I miss T and C but won't admit it. OK, yeah, I miss them. But at the same time I don't. I'm becoming the person I was, the person I know, whom I comfortable with. The one who doesn't have feelings, who doesn't really give a fuck what happens...

Fuck.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore

The dreaded day

Is fast approaching...

I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.

We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it happened. I had been avoiding that space, but really, it's February and it's time the damn thing was put away. I told my boyfriend we should just cover it with a blanket or a bag to save time next Christmas!! Unfortunately, he didn't go for that idea...

We're not doing the whole Valentines Day deal on Valentines. I told him I hate that day.. he said that hurts him because it's different now... he just doesn't understand, but that's OK because he doesn't have to, so we're going out for a romantic dinner that weekend instead.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year to try to make the day easier. I have a doctors appointment that afternoon so I'm leaving work 3 hours early. I think I'm going to get some good ice cream and chocolate fudge and make a kick ass sundae and go for a soak in the jacuzzi to relax and be by myself for a while so if I need to cry or just sit there staring off into space I can.

It's been a little over three weeks now without any therapy sessions and I'm kind of happy to report that I don't really miss it. I think this break is good for me as it had been almost two straight years of talking and healing. I will go back, I've made arrangements with T to go back when I'm ready and it's still OK to email her or call her if I need to. The support is still there, but I'm not using it. That's my choice. I'm focusing on just living, enjoying what I have in the moment and thinking about my... our future.

I guess at the same time I'm testing myself to see if I really can handle things on my own with all of the new skills I've learned.

And I've got something to look forward to! We're going to one of the most beautiful places on earth in April for Easter. Mica Mountain Lodge. It's amazing. I feel so at ease and peaceful when I'm there. Content. We spent one night there last Easter, and we absolutely loved it. This year we have the whole weekend. I can't wait to get out and go hiking and exploring in the mountains. Watch the sun set and rise over the jagged peaks... the birds singing... the sound of the wind rustling through the trees... If I close my eyes I can see it and I can feel the peace wash over me... these are the things that make the dreaded day more easy to bear.

If I hold on to that it will be OK...

I WILL BE OK

Some Changes

Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely.

I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while.

I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad.

I'm a firm believer that your mental health impacts your physical health and vise-verse. So that being said, I believe that mental health care should also be covered by public health...

Anyway, I'm just rambling...

I also did something on Wednesday I haven't done in months, almost a year I think.

My boyfriend and I got in an insanely huge argument and almost broke up... we were right in a heated screaming match when he said "why can't you accept that there are decent men in this world and that I'm one of them?" I lost it and started crying saying "How can I" as I looked over at the couch in the basement and saw Byron pinning me I turned around and walked out of the room and went and sat in the dark in another room in the basement and just cried. There was so much pain and anger in me it felt like I was going to explode... break into a million shattered pieces... I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard, I didn't know what to do...

I burned myself.

I had forgotten what it felt like, how all of those feelings were almost instantly erased and this calm just washed over me. I held the cigarette to arm for a good 10 to 15 seconds and I watched as it burnt my skin... I was filled with a strange sense of satisfaction.

I know what I did was wrong and I know I hurt myself in more ways than just physically, but I also understand that I did what I could in the moment. I'm not beating myself up for slipping, I'm actually able to provide myself with some empathy because I'm allowing myself to "see" why I slipped...

It's all so confusing sometimes...

I'm back...

It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.

Sigh.

Sometimes, I just don't get it.

Sometimes I'm so angry and filled with rage I'm scared I'm going to lash out at some unsuspecting, undeserving person and just scream my bloody head off. Or worst, cause physical harm.

That's my biggest worry... how long can I control this anger that is boiling in me? How long before I do explode into a fit of rage and hurt someone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a maniac or a rageaholic... just someone who is incredibly angry. ALL THE TIME.

Coupled with the anger is an immense amount of sadness. I walk around every day holding it all in. Putting on the happy face at work, laughing and smiling... I was told the other day by a co-worker that I'm the happiest person they've ever met!! I laughed my ass off and thought "God, I'm good!!"

How wrong is that? How horrible is it that people don't really know me? Sure, it's just a co-worker, but with the facade I keep 24/7, does anyone really know me? Do I even know myself?

One of the reasons I stopped writing was because I'm sick of writing about the same things all the time...

"I'm so sad... I hurt so much... "

I'm just plain sick of it. I'm really doing nothing but whining and complaining about how shitty my life is... when really, asides from the past, there's nothing overly shitty about it. My present and my future are bright, I know this. Yet my past is overshadowing, drowning my present. Even worse, my future. It's one big frustrating circle...

And my one wish... always the same.
I wish I had a magic wand, a genie, anything that would wipe away my past. Anything to destroy it.

Hmmmm... I wonder if I could get hypnotized and they could wipe my memory clean from around the age of 24 or so... delete the abuse, rape, ex-husband. All of it...

How severe of a head injury would I need to sustain to get amnesia and forget my entire life?

If that happened would I be better off?

Sadly, I don't think so.

There's a part of me that is grateful for my past... I don't think I'd be even remotely close to the person I am today without those experiences, however traumatizing they were.

I realize I'm rambling about nothing in particular... once I started typing the thoughts just started flowing and it feels more natural now.

I'm glad to be back. Thanks for reading...

Crazy and Confused

It is starting to become a difficulty to find the time to write. For the first time in years I'm working a normal 8-5 schedule, I'm finding it hard to adjust. I'm happy with my job though so it's worth the struggle.

I do need to apologize as I haven't been keeping up with reading my surviving and thriving friends blogs, I do hope you are all well and even though I'm not reading, you're not far from my thoughts...

I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and despair since Saturday morning. I woke up feeling defeated and flattened. Saturday evening I was going to the liquor store and when I got to my car I just started sobbing uncontrollably - the type of crying where you start to hyperventilate. I sat in my freezing cold car for over 20 minutes hunched over just bawling. I was finally able to slow the tears and I went for a drive, a few times contemplating flooring it and smashing into something, the entire time thinking no one would know it was suicide, it would be blamed on the icy road conditions. I drove around for a long time before I was finally calmed down enough and I went to the liquor store, I only let myself get one case of Joe's Stiff Root beers and then came home. My boyfriend and his brother were in the living room watching the hockey game. I just took off my coat, cracked open two bottles and disappeared into my bedroom. I chugged back the first bottle, used my lighter to crack open the second and pounded that back. I went and got the other two bottles, lit a smoke and chugged away. After getting all 4 bottles down in less than 10 minutes I sat on my bed trying not to cry and trying to understand where this was coming from. There has to be a reason for feeling so incredibly sad, yet I can't find one.

My boyfriend came into the room to make sure I was OK and he saw that I wasn't instantly. He knelt in front of me with his hands on my knees and asked what was wrong. I told him I don't know... he said I could talk to him... it took every ounce of strength I had to hold those tears in. I wanted to crack, let the tears out and let him hold me and comfort me. I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that I hurt, it feels like my heart is dying but I couldn't... I couldn't get the words out, instead I just looked at my feet and lied... I'm OK, go watch the game. He hugged me, I held on for dear life not wanting to let him go, not wanting to be alone feeling like I was, like I still do...

I'm fighting the tears as I write this, listening to the Foo Fighters and smoking a cigarette. Wishing I could just melt into the chair and disappear forever...

"Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out,
Let's go another round,
I will follow you down and out"

Disgust

A comment left by someone triggered this post... They admitted something I've been utterly ashamed of admitting, even to myself at times... it's time for it to come out

At times, when I was a child, I would invite the abuse from my father.

It was usually the only attention I got, and sometimes, it made me feel special.

God, just reading that makes me sick.

I remember that sometimes I would sit on his knee, wrap my arms around him and just wait for him to touch me...

I guess that makes me ultimately fucked up

And it's only fueling the "it's my fault"

Things are OK

It's been a while since I updated this... things have been going OK and I haven't been wanting to write about anything to drudge any bad feelings up...

I got a new job!!! I'm so happy! When I quit my other job, it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe a little easier. That feeling hasn't gone away, and I am a lot less stressed, which means I'm sleeping a little bit better and I'm not as grumpy or short as I have been in the past few months.

It's amazing how a simple change of jobs can affect you so much.

I had a good session with T this week. We went for a walk like I had asked, mildly froze our asses off (it was -5C) for 50 minutes. The point of the walk was so I could go over the rape minute by minute, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, instead we spent most of the time talking about how I am incredibly angry with myself for not seeing any of the warning signs. T spent most of that time going over different scenarios and how others would have reacted to the signs...

Him calling me 5 or 6 times a day to find out where I was, what I was doing, who I was with...
Him getting angry if I didn't answer my cell EVERY time he called...
The I luv u teddy bear after a few weeks of dating...

T said that even a person who didn't have a history of sexual or emotional abuse would not see those as a precursor to rape, at the most they would have started to cool off the relationship and distance themselves. She said others might have seen it as romantic and not thought twice about it...

I guess I have unrealistic expectations of myself, and T agreed. She said I am too hard on myself and need to ease up... I laughed my ass off at that and told her C tells me that all the time. I don't know how to change that...

T and C tell me that I need to have empathy for myself... I understand empathy and I have no problem empathising with others, but it's next to impossible to have any empathy for me, I'm guessing because a part of me still feels responsible for the things my father did, for being raped and then running off to get married to an abusive man... I can understand having one of those things happen to me, but to have three absolutely horrible things happen... I see it as my fault because I should have known better. And when I say that to C or T, they usually ask if it was a friend or someone else who experienced what I have is it their fault? I always say no it's not their fault because how would they know better if they grew up with it, it's familiar to them. I just can't apply that to myself though and I don't know why, I don't know what in my head or in my unconscious blocks that out for myself...

Can anyone else relate?

The "test"

I have so much to write about, I'm not sure where to start!

In my last session with T I didn't write about something that was eating at me and now that I've talked to C and T about it, I'm OK writing about it...

When talking about the rape and telling T how it started and then happened, T said that he sounded very calculated, that I probably wasn't his first or his last victim (I HATE that word... victim)

This sent me into a tail spin... I felt so guilty for not reporting it and protecting any other women from him. I still feel somewhat guilty, but now understand that I wasn't in the place to report it... I was a wreak emotionally. I think I'm OK with that... and I know I did what I needed to do and that I'm looking back at it with regret because I wish I had handled it differently. But I am going to do something...

T told me that recently the laws have changed to allow a person to report a rape or sexual assault to the police and the police will keep it on file for 5 years. During that 5 years if a rape that is similar or is allegedly committed by the same person they will have the report to help their case. So I may not have reported it at the time, but I sure as hell am going to report it now and leave it at that.

I tested T during this weeks session. I printed off what I had written on my blog back in February about the rape and I let her read it. I wanted to see her reaction and if it was a safe environment to talk about the things that hurt the most. I discovered it is a safe environment, T is an OK person to trust with all of this.

I also asked her a few questions... if and when we go over the rape in detail, could we go for a walk while talking about it? She agreed and said it's a great idea. I told her I need to move around to get out the nervous energy and that's what I do when talking to C, I pace... but it lets me talk. I also asked her if we could go back to weekly sessions, T agreed but not until November 7th. I'm fine with that. Twice I asked for what I needed and it was well received... I was kind of uncomfortable with that because it's not something I'm used to, asking or receiving... kinda cool...

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

The childrens mother is a friend of my aunts and my aunt asked me to forward their website to all of my contacts. I decided to go one step further and post the site and their story on my blog in hopes of reaching more people.

Help Bring Hannah and Cedar Home

Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, Canada

Missing Children Society of Canada, August 25, 2006: Sisters Hannah, 5, and Cedar, 2 were looking forward to going to Australia for a holiday with their father Joseph Hawach on July 1 of this year. Instead both children were allegedly abducted by their father and are now believed to be in Lebanon.

Joseph Hawach, an Australian and Lebanese citizen, and the children’s mother Melissa, from Saskatchewan, met in Australia and were married there. A year later they returned to Canada to live in Calgary with their 2 children Hannah and Cedar. The relationship however, broke down, but both parents continued to see the children. Joseph told Melissa that he wanted to take the kids to Australia for a 3 week trip and signed a written agreement, promising to return them to Canada on July 21. Sometime after he took the kids on the intended holiday, Melissa became concerned because her daily conversations with the girls had stopped and she couldn’t get in touch with them.

Her concern was well founded when it was discovered by way of phone call from one of Joseph’s family members, that Joseph had left Australia with the girls. In early August, Joseph advised Melissa that she should travel to Australia where he would meet her with the girls. She immediately flew to Sydney only to be greeted by the realization that the children were not there and were most likely in Lebanon. Joseph’s family also informed Melissa that the only way the girls would be returned to Australia would be if she agreed to live in Sydney, give Joseph full custody, and dropped the charges against him.

Melissa is working with the police, the foreign embassies and consulates and the Missing Children Society of Canada to find her daughters. For Melissa and the rest of their family and friends, the nightmare of parental abduction is just beginning and we hope that someone will be able to come forward to help Melissa find her kids.

Hannah has brown eyes, light brown hair, is 3’8” and weighs 45lb. Cedar has brown eyes, blond hair, is 2’10” and weighs 35lbs. International warrants and an extradition order have been issued for the girls’ father who has been charged with two counts of child abduction.

If you have seen these children please call the Calgary Police Service at: (403) 266 1234 or call the Missing Children Society of Canada at 1 800 661 6160.

For more information about the Missing Children Society of Canada please call Liz Ballendine, Director of Development at: (403) 291 0705 or visit www.mcsc.ca.

Missing Children Society of Canada

TGIM?!!?

I'm happy it's Monday... there's definitely something wrong!

My weekend was OK, it started off with a bang... literally.

My boyfriend, best friend and I went to see The Guardian (highly recommend it) on Friday night. We hadn't eaten dinner and saw the late show so by the time we got out the only thing open was McHeartAttackOnABun (McDonald's) so into the drive thru I drive. We're sitting there waiting when this idiot starts to back up from a parking spot. I'm watching him, waiting for him to realize I'm RIGHT BEHIND HIM, but no, he's an IDIOT and isn't looking. When he gets passed my comfort zone which was about 4 feet I lay on the horn, he doesn't stop. I keep the horn pressed, but I'm stuck I've got cars in front of me, this dumbass who is about to hit my car behind me... I can't go anywhere. I put the window down and yell at him and then lay on the horn again... BANG!!!

He fucking hit my car.

I moved at the speed of lightning and jumped out of my car, put on my intimidating stance and firmly walked to idiots drivers side door. He's sitting there stunned as I give him my evil glare (which probably looks like I'm constipated!) and say "excuse me sir, you just hit my car."

"Oh!" replies the idiot.

Now I've always thought that the first time someone hits my car I'm going to be absolutely livid and ready to beat them senseless (kidding)... amazingly I remained composed and walked to check my car. Now it being 1:30ish in the morning it's pitch black and I can't see any damage. I run my hand over where he hit and check for dents, I don't feel any. Now because he was moving at approximately the speed of a snail in molasses I figure there's more than likely no damage.

I tell the idiot to watch where he's going and to drive more carefully because next time he might not be so lucky - translation - get your head out of your ass you idiot and watch what the fuck you're doing! I then bid him a good night.

I get back in my car and I wrote down his license plate number, just in case.

Saturday morning my boyfriend and I are leaving to go to a football game, I take a peak at the back of my car and there is a HUGE scuff on the bumper... I'm fuming mad, mostly at myself for not checking properly when it happened, I should have known better. I do have the idiot's plate number but I haven't decided if I am going to file a police report, I think I can just buff it out and make it all shiny again.

Asides from that, it was an awesome weekend. My boyfriend and I celebrated our one year - our first date was a football game, and I thought it would be kinda cool to go back to where it started so we froze our asses off at the game and even though we lost, heck, we've been in the CFL playoffs for over 30 years straight it was bound to happen!

Drained

I had a session with T today, it had been almost a month since our last session. The dynamic and comfort level remained from our last session. It was much needed today.

We started talking about my dream.

I've been worried that I had completely lost it when I felt pain in my dream and woke up and was in pain. T said this was a body memory. She said it's a new part of my healing because instead of my dreams or flashbacks just being in my head my body is beginning to relive it, according to T this is a positive thing. I don't know about that though, I'd rather it just stay in my head... that was a TERRIFYING experience.

We started talking about the rape, piece by piece. It was so hard to talk about, we barely got into it. I kept getting flashes of him punching me and forcing himself in my mouth. I went in my mental black hole and got lost in the memories. I covered my eyes because I didn't want T to see the pain or the tears that were trying to escape. T moved her chair closer and asked me what she can do to support me so I'm not alone - I don't know! I don't know how to let her support me, or how to share the intense pain and hurt.

I am so scared to share the things he did to me, how it felt, how I remember it feeling... it's incredibly embarassing and horrifying and personal to talk to someone about the things that he did to me or forced me to do...

How have you talked about it?

On another note, I've been listening to this song on repeat ever since I got into my car after T... It's my strength right now if that makes sense, it's what I'm drawing from to keep my head up and keep myself in TODAY instead of in the past and in THAT moment... I wanted to share it incase it helps someone like it's helping me...

[Scott Stapp - Fight Song]

Reliving (possible triggers)

The TV show Without A Trace triggered me like I have never been triggered before. It was horrifying. The basis of the story was a missing 911 operator who turned out to have been brutally attacked and raped while in college and was seeking revenge on the man who hurt her. It showed him on her, beating and raping her. It conveyed her life of fear so well...

I sat on the couch absolutely terrified. I couldn't blink, breathe, nothing... just stared blankly at the TV. I don't remember much of the show after that. My boyfriend said he said my name about 10 times before I sucked in a breath and looked at him. I don't remember... I was off in La La land...

I DO remember my dreams though... I was really tired from all the Thanksgiving festivities and working on a holiday so I fell asleep really quickly - VERY unusual.

Both dreams were about Byron (the monster who raped me) - the first one was what I've started calling the "normal nightmare", me watching him rape me, but it's not me... if that makes sense. It's my body, but it's not "me"... I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed, also pretty normal for that dream. That dream upsets me, I get scared, I'm disoriented when I jolt awake and it takes a few minutes to calm down. I don't process the dream, I just flick on the TV and watch infomercials till I fall asleep again... whatever, it works.

I fell asleep again rather quickly - EXTREMELY unusual - only this time to be reliving the rape. I COULD FEEL IT. Everything was so vivid and REAL. I felt his fist hit my face, I felt his hands grabbing at me, holding me down, his breath all over me... everything. It felt like it was really happening. I could feel the searing pain, I could taste my tears...

My boyfriend woke me up... I was crying. He said I was kicking and fighting and shaking my head, moaning and mumbling what sounded like no... he said he had to wake me up because he knew what I was dreaming about...

I felt like I had just been raped again, my body ached, I had a splitting headache... my jaw was throbbing where he "hit" me...

My boyfriend wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly for a few minutes until I pushed him away. I needed to put my feet on the floor, to feel the carpet. I lit a smoke and just let the tears fall. Oddly I was numb, I don't remember any emotions yet there were tears... I sat on the edge of the bed, smoking, staring at my feet but not really seeing them. I mean I saw my feet, but it was like they were a million miles away... I lit another smoke and then got up and got some water. I climbed into bed, trying to tell myself that the dream wasn't real even if it felt real. I waited until my boyfriend fell asleep then I got up and took a hot shower, I needed to wash off the filth, to try to make myself feel clean... it didn't work. I STILL feel dirty and disgusting... used...

I don't remember reliving the rape like this before, actually feeling it..

I fucking hate this

From Postsecret

Incredibly powerful... and TRUE




***Update, 10/10/06***

When I saw this picture yesterday, I just sat there staring at it. It speaks volumes. It conveys what I can't.

Weathering the storm

I haven't been sleeping very well since Friday when this relationship ordeal cropped up. My boyfriend has been asking me what's wrong because I had been sleeping really well since he moved in, so he knew something was up.

We had another talk last night. It started out awful, with both of us on the verge of tears, him shutting down and not wanting to talk and me prying and continuing to talk.

We almost broke up.

We were on our way to a friends place for his birthday when I asked him what he was thinking about because the tension was so high in the car I could have cut it with a knife (excuse the cliche!)

I won't go into details, but we hached it out, and we are on the same page. He said he meant he wasn't ready... I'll accept that and just enjoy the moment.

****this was supposed to be published on Tuesday, but blogger struck again and saved it instead of publishing...

circles?

A couple days ago, after the conversation and my breakdown regarding my boyfriend, he turns around and starts talking about our wedding?!??

What the fuck?

It's easy to see why I'm confused and getting upset...

We were talking about Newfoundland, where he's from, and how a non-newfie is accepted and becomes an honorary newfie. It's kinda funny and gross how you become an honorary newfie by doing either of the following:

1 - kiss a cod fish EW EW EW EW EW!!!!!

2 - do a shot of screech - it's Jamaican rum and is supposedly disgusting, I'll take their word for it! Downing shots of hard liquor is not my thing anymore...

I told him I might do a shot of screech but I sure as hell am NOT kissing a cod fish. He told me I'll have to do the shot next summer when we go to Newfoundland because it might make me sick. I said nuh uh, not a chance... he replies with well would you rather do a shot and be sick in your wedding dress on our wedding day? My jaw dropped and I didn't say anything, I just laughed instead.

Am I spending too much time thinking about this shit?

The more I think about it, the more I think I should just live in the moment. But then I start thinking about how I want to know where I might be in a few years. Of course the thought of no one knows where they are going to be in a few years from now enters my mind and I'm going in circles...

It's starting to feel like he's screwing with my head... or is just scared to admit how he feels...

Now What?

Boyfriend and I had the dreaded conversation. Y'know, the "are you the one for me"... not sure how it came about, something on the TV show Friends triggered it...

He doesn't know if I am the one for him. He said he's pretty sure that I am, but he's not positive.

I told him that after almost a year together if he still doesn't know, than I'm probably not and we should just stop wasting our time.

I don't think he gets it. It really hurt to hear that he's not sure.

I'm not looking for a ring either. I don't want that right now. What I NEED right now is to know that we're on the same page, future wise. I've let him in farther than I've ever let a man into my life, into my head, into all the spaces that are terrifying to let ANYONE in... and now knowing for sure that he's not sure I don't want him in those spaces. The emotional doors closed and up went the walls the second he said that.

Am I asking too much? Is expecting him to be in the same place as me unfair?

I don't know what to do. My heart broke when he said that... and with his "keeping my options open" approach to everything, well...

My usual reaction is to just run and cut the person who hurt me out of my life because there's been too much hurt.

Am I over-reacting?

The way I see it, I wouldn't have let him move in with me if I didn't think/feel/want/see a future together. Is this where men and women are different? I just don't see or understand how someone could commit to living together and not be sure about the other person? Maybe my thinking is clouded because there's a hurt I've never felt before.

I dunno... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this, somewhere I've never been and I'm basically lost...

Undoing damage

For the first time last night with my boyfriend I experienced some left over damage from my ex-husband. My boyfriend did something my ex did to me constantly throughout our marriage. It was something so trivial, I'm absolutely positive it wouldn't have affected someone else as greatly.

My boyfriend didn't tell me something.

To start off the story, my boyfriend and I were talking about his hands, how soft they were. He hates it because he refers to them as "soft techie hands" and not "man hands" - I'll never understand men! He piped up and said they'll only be soft for a little while longer. I ask him why, he shrugs. I ask him if he's planning on quitting his new job, he shrugs. I tell him that he's cryptic, worse than a woman (yes, I was joking!) Then he said that he never knows what he's going to do, he always wants to leave his options open. So in creeps, um no, in charges my lovely lack of self confidence and I'm finding myself having a private panic attack thinking that "keeping his options open" also applies to our relationship. (I've asked him before if he ever thinks about the future, specifically our future, and I always get an answer of "I don't know, I never know where I'll be") So I decide to ask him if he's keeping his options open with me, he said "If I was I'd be going out a lot more, don't you think?" That response calmed my panic attack slightly, but what I really wanted to hear was, NO!! I know where our future is, just taking things slowly - something, anything more definitive because I know where I want to be, and that's with him.

I guess if I really wanted to dig deeper into the need of knowing where he sees our future I could say that it's because of my family and not being wanted and wanting so desperately to be wanted now. Or, I could chalk it up to being a woman and having a family of my own on my mind... I don't know, but I just really want to know what he thinks about this and I'm scared to ask him because I don't want to scare him!

On with the story...

My brother is moving to another province next week and was here last night to get his couch that we were storing for him. My boyfriend helped him carry it to his truck and in return my brother gave him something of his he no longer wanted. It was a big something, something my brother and I played with as kids. My boyfriend didn't tell me that he gave it to him and two hours later when my brother left, my mother comes upstairs and tells me what my boyfriend was given.

I lost it! I got so angry with my boyfriend. I yelled at him, telling him he never tells me anything, he's so cryptic! And of course, my boyfriend is sitting there absolutely dumbfounded because he's never not told me anything like this before. I jumped off the couch and stomped (very adult like) to our bedroom and closed the door. I sat on our bed thinking he never tells me anything, I'm so sick of this, I want out of this relationship. What else does he not tell me? Does he lie to me? I'm absolutely fuming at this point and in walks my boyfriend. He says he didn't intentionally not tell me, that he's never not told me anything before and that my reaction was fucking crazy. I told him to get out that I didn't want to talk about it so he walked away. As soon as the door closed I found myself saying out loud "I'm crazy, I'm fucking crazy. I'm a worthless piece of shit, a crazy piece of shit." I start to cry. I realized what I was doing and told myself silently that I'm not crazy or worthless and out loud I said "yes you are." Then it hit me...

Out of nowhere I said my exes name and was suddenly filled with rage. It's not my boyfriend who never tells me anything, it was my ex. It was my ex who would purposely keep everything from me to drive me crazy, to keep me under his control. I continued to sit on the bed thinking about how my ex would torment me by constantly lying about everything and anything, even the most frivolous of things, or simply not tell me something minute or major. He'd wait until I found out from someone else and then smile and tell me it's none of my business, even though 90% of the time it affected me directly.

I was shocked I was able to put the two together without any help from C or T. Even in my complete irrational thinking I was able to see that it's not my boyfriend I'm angry at but my ex.

I chain smoked and paced around our bedroom for an hour or so, trying to work up the courage to go talk to my boyfriend and apologize. I kept running over scenarios in my head: my boyfriend getting angry because I'm bringing my past into our relationship, or him simply not understanding or caring. I then started to worry that I'd lose him, that he'd had enough of my craziness and was just going to leave. I imagined him downstairs packing his stuff. God, I can be my own worst enemy!

I had finally worked up the courage to talk to him and opened the door to see him cross into the living room. I closed the door and lost all of my courage. I stood there for a few minutes telling myself how stupid I am and then just opened the door and walked into the living room.

I sat down across from him and asked him if I could explain why I flew off the handle earlier. He said "yes, please do." I told him that that was what my ex used to do to me and it drove me insane, and that I'm sorry for yelling at him. He apologized for not telling me, and explained that he forgot about it because right afterwards is when they carried the couch outside. He also asked how he can avoid doing that in the future. I told him I don't know asides from telling me everything, which he shouldn't have to do. We agreed to talk about it if it happens again because now we're both aware of it and can attempt to be cognizant if it happens again.

I am forevermore amazed at how adult conversation works. How a simple conversation can led to a resolution or understanding and everything is OK again. Our relationship is really the first time I've experienced this outside of sessions with C or T, and it's incredibly amazing how good it feels to be listened to, to be understood and respected. Especially by someone you love and want to spend your life with.

I think a very hurt part of me healed last night and some damage was undone. I'm giving myself a gold star for communicating when I was scared to do so and for allowing myself to be vulnerable.

changes

After I quit my job I spent the next 4 days in an anxious panic. What the fuck am I gonna do?! Kept playing in my mind. I applied for a few jobs and had a few interviews lined up when I was approached by my manager. They told they can't afford to lose me and they had an offer to propose. They offered me a raise, a permanent schedule and a promise to never work weekends. I thought about it for a few minutes before accepting. With a raise I get what I want, more money. I hate the job, but the money will keep me there, at least for a while. The schedule will allow me to continue with my plans to return to school, and really, who likes to work weekends? I have mixed emotions on staying with the company, but my team is incredibly happy and relieved, I even got some hugs from friends I work with.

I had T on Thursday this past week, hadn't a session with T since the middle of August so it was nice to see her.

The dynamic of our relationship changed. I'm not sure why or how, and I'm not complaining. It's an awesome change and I'm relieved that it's happened. I hope it continues, but if it doesn't, I also know from experience that it will come back as I've been done this road with C too many times to count!

For the first time with T I didn't feel uncomfortable or want to run out of the room and bolt to the safety and security of my car. I stayed present for most of the session and was able to go a little bit deeper into my feelings and thoughts. Not a lot deeper, but more than surface level. We talked a lot about sexual healing as I am reading a book on that topic, "The sexual healing journey: (a guide for survivors of sexual abuse)" By Wendy Maltz. Normally when this subject comes up I clam up immediately and get extremely embarrassed. I didn't this time and was able to talk about some things plaguing my relationship with my boyfriend.

At one point we were discussing something, I'm not even sure what it was... but it brought up another AH!HA! moment for me. I've discovered that not only is it hard for me to show emotion or simply cry is not only because of my mother, but because of my father. When I would cry, or plead, whimper, anything - that's when he would hurt me by pinching, hitting, burning, pull my hair. I learned not to have emotions and definitely not express them. And in an even more twisted way, I associated pain with emotions which makes even more sense why I self-harm, and chose burning as the way to injure myself and deaden the emotional pain.

I'm not feeling defeated by this new knowledge, quite the opposite in fact. I'm feeling re-charged and ready to go deeper. It has reinforced the fact that there IS nothing wrong with me, there are many reasons why I am the way I am. The greatest thing about it all... I'm asking for and getting help...

Back to reality

We got back early yesterday morning, again spending the night driving. I let my boyfriend sleep most of the way back and I drove like a crazy woman!

We had an awesome time on our trip and didn't want to come back. My boyfriend has fallen in love with the Vancouver area so we will be definitely moving in the next few years.

When we got back I started to count the hours before my mother started in on me... 6 hours and 23 minutes! She started with a guilt trip and moved on to how she's broke and she's never been this broke before and somehow it's MY fault!! I wanted to blow up at her but I didn't yell, I remained calm and told her she was a big girl who needs take care of herself and that it's NOT my fault and to stop blaming me for everything because it's bullshit and that if she keeps pushing me I'm leaving. She absolutely freaked out and started screaming all kinds of nasty things at me so I got in my car and left. I went for a long drive (not like I needed one after spending 13 hours driving home that night) and when I came back, I ignored her for the rest of the day. Doing the whole silent treatment deal I kinda felt like a child, but she hasn't gone off on me yet today so I guess we'll see. And really, I can't leave. Well, no, I could move out, but I'd have to give up my dogs and I'm NOT doing that. I guess I have to work really hard on setting boundaries and blocking her out... thing is, there's so many areas that I need to work on, that I need help with, I really don't know where to start or what to focus on...

I also fell off the "wagon" while on vacation and smoked copious amounts of pot. I must say it was awesome and I really enjoyed it. Each joint slowed me down, turned my mind off and just relaxed me. Before I started smoking again I was a ball of nerves, constantly thinking and not even remotely relaxed. Much to hard to resist temptation with the Amsterdam Cafe only a few blocks away... and really, you can't get any better than BC bud. I don't really even feel guilty for smoking again, not sure what is up with that, maybe it's because I was on vacation?? Now that I'm back in hell though, I don't plan on smoking...

I'm here, I'm at work, I'm doing my job, but I'm running on auto pilot. Even though I should be refreshed from vacation it feels like I never left. Last night I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach knowing I had to go back to work today. I've also been fighting for a raise for a few months now, and they are still dancing around the issue so... I QUIT! I quit my job... I gave them three weeks notice, hopefully in that time I will have another job lined up ready to go, if not, well I'll cross that bridge when it comes. I'm anxious, relieved, scared and excited all at once...