tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-172697772012-02-10T11:20:00.714-07:00<B>Sexually Abused by my father. Raped as a young adult. <p> <center>This is my story. </B></center>survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.comBlogger2191100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-43151149903188970512012-01-09T10:49:00.008-07:002012-01-09T11:29:55.972-07:00

Wow, how time flies and life just happens.I've come here many times over the past few years to write but I always delete what I wrote for some reason. I think it's because I feel guilty that I don't need this anymore. I'm in a good place and have been for a few years. I got married in 2009 to the boyfriend I often spoke of in my posts. We have a good marriage, we are happy. We communicate, we

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-81756925193379346052009-02-03T08:15:00.005-07:002009-02-03T09:27:52.412-07:00

I was sexually assaulted in December 2008. Again. I just about lost it. I walked into my house and tried calling the police but I couldn't even dial the phone. I just stood there shaking, so full of rage that another person had violated my body that I could have killed him if I wasn't overwhelmed with flashbacks.My fiance (J) and I were coming home from getting dinner at A&W and this guy was

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-27771469380331954782008-10-03T09:12:00.002-06:002008-10-03T10:13:28.679-06:00

Fuck.I stopped writing because it's always the same thing over and over again. "I feel like crying""I'm sad""I feel worthless"Blah blah fucking blah.Can you tell I'm angry? I am so fucking sick of all of those things. I have absolutely had it with all of this bullshit just creeping up and smothering me.What do I do? I don't know what to do. I'm getting to the point where I just want to scream a

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-13038396736810652032008-06-06T07:08:00.002-06:002008-06-06T10:03:11.680-06:00

This is a rant about the serious decline of society... I live by what I think is a basic rule: Treat others how I want to be treated. Easy and simple. Or so I thought.I was grocery shopping last night and when I came out to my truck I found the passenger door was severely dented and scratched by the asshole in the van parked next to me. Based on the severity of the damage it wasn't a simple

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-84922501385586327652008-05-29T07:31:00.003-06:002008-05-29T08:14:21.569-06:00

I am fuming. I am so fucking pissed off that I don't know what to do with the anger but I'm not turning it on myself so where do I put it?Am I not allowed to be mad and frustrated? It seems by J's standards I'm always supposed to be smiles and sunshine. I'm not allowed to get frustrated with him and god forbid I try to talk to him because somehow, no matter what the situation, it turns into my

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-69966437016741329982008-05-22T16:33:00.002-06:002008-05-22T20:21:53.101-06:00

I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I feel lost.The inadequacy is partly from my mother. It seems that nothing I do or how hard I work is not good enough. Last week she had me in tears. More than tears. Sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. You know as a little kid when you would get so upset that you gasped for air during a tantrum and breathed snot bubbles? That was me - minus the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-85706840939681814762008-05-20T11:19:00.005-06:002008-05-21T09:58:10.742-06:00

I feel like screaming. Yelling. Shouting. Breaking something.I'm fucked no matter which way I turn. I've been on my own for almost a year now. In that year I think I've undone everything C or T helped me do. I'm an emotional wreck that even the jaws of life couldn't save.I'm scared to contact C again and ask for help, although I have figured out a way to pay for sessions... the good ol' tax

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-53303097979228948592008-05-02T06:36:00.002-06:002008-05-02T07:06:41.551-06:00

I'm annoyed. I'm in a place where I need help but can't get it. I can't afford it!Thanks to the supposed boom in Alberta all of the free counselling services are overloaded and the waiting period is a minimum of six to nine months. What the fuck? It's no wonder the suicide rate is going up. The only way I can get help is if I go to the Psych ward at the University and hope they would accept me.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-2816145174640072302008-04-30T12:17:00.002-06:002008-04-30T17:28:06.793-06:00

Does this plague everyone? Is everyone else in the world constantly getting slammed with one fucking thing after another? It seems be what my life has always been and will always be. I'm not complaining. I'm making an observation. Ok, I am complaining. I am bitching and whining and just generally pissed off with the world.J's (my fiance) parents have been living with us since January. They came

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1470582870478757662008-02-15T14:56:00.003-07:002008-02-15T15:22:33.265-07:00

Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary since I was raped. It was a horrible day, but not just because of what the day was to me. I quit my job. My fiance (we got engaged on Christmas Day) presented me with a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies which are my favorite and when he gave me them to me I cried. I haven't written for an incredibly long time and I miss it. I have needed to write, but if

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-27332382957713863372007-08-18T14:04:00.001-06:002007-08-18T14:14:48.634-06:00

You all are right I think.I don't think it's possible to heal 100%. Every experience, good or bad, leaves a mark on us and that mark stays forever. I believe it's how we deal with those marks that impacts us in the long run. I let this control my life for so long and I guess without knowing it, I decided not to let it. I fully expect to be in bad places again, I expect to have nightmares and

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-59837462747037905072007-08-16T15:01:00.000-06:002007-08-16T15:04:41.694-06:00

When do you know when you've healed as much as you can? How do you know? Do you ever really heal?

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-74034071505513124242007-08-13T21:53:00.000-06:002007-08-13T22:04:17.538-06:00

Well... this sucks.With the help of C and our session today I think I've reached a plateau of sorts. I think I have healed as much as I can, at least for this point in my life. That's great. That's cause for celebration. At least it should be.Our session ended just 30 minutes ago, and I've been sitting on my bed crying since I hung up the phone. I'm proud of myself. There was a time when I didn't

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-44580148493106328652007-08-06T21:03:00.001-06:002007-08-06T21:52:08.720-06:00

I was going through my music folder on my computer earlier today and came across this song. As soon as I saw it, my heart stopped. At least it felt like it. I played it. And I cried. The tears just streamed down my face. I sat in front of my computer with my eyes closed feeling pain and grief. Loss. The song hits me so strong because even though it's about a boy and his father, it's about a

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-41620409996160229792007-07-19T16:34:00.000-06:002007-07-19T17:47:08.868-06:00

I've been avoiding this place for a long time. I haven't wanted to deal with anything related to this and coming here is just a reminder of what I'm trying to ignore.I've tried to write a few times but I end up just writing the same things over and over again - I'm sad, I feel like crying... I'm sick of it. It's been such a long time I really don't know where to start

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-59779454920148799382007-06-05T19:42:00.000-06:002007-06-05T20:00:30.232-06:00

Whew... I have the rest of the week off. It was a bit of a fight to get it, but I won the battle!Today was my first day to sleep in and relax a bit - well that's what it was supposed to be, but I can't sit still. Instead I taught myself how to lay lino in the basement bathroom. My boyfriend and I had finished painting it a few days ago so I had to scrape paint off the cement floor and putty from

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-5914803665538543162007-05-14T19:06:00.000-06:002007-05-14T19:36:07.215-06:00

I've lost my mind. I am extremely stressed out. By the time Friday rolls around I'm a complete mess. My temper is rearing it's ugly head. I can't sit still. I can't sleep. I stare blindly at the television. I'm developing twitches in my eyes and fingers. I've lost it.I missed 3 and half days of work in the past 2 weeks. I left this past Friday on the verge of tears and an tantrum. When I wanted

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-40311324822633616052007-05-12T21:17:00.000-06:002007-05-12T21:18:35.478-06:00

I'm in a fairly horrible place right now. Thanks everyone for your suggestions for stress relief, I think the best way to reduce my stress is to quit my job!! I'll try to be write a little more often...

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-25167729194767019382007-05-01T10:41:00.001-06:002007-05-01T10:41:46.520-06:00

Any advice?

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-56892537126670188252007-04-11T19:34:00.000-06:002007-04-11T19:52:32.091-06:00

I'm working with C again (thank God) and we've been working on the feelings of abandonment I'm experiencing.When I started writing about my mother the pain and sadness came crashing in. Talking about it with C last night felt like a 20 ton anvil was dropped on me. I started to cry as I asked C not to challenge me on a statement I was about to make... "why would I think anyone could care about me

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-47512821299933435702007-03-22T18:16:00.000-06:002007-03-22T18:45:47.365-06:00

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doingI go to bed every nightI lie there waiting for sleepSometimes it comesSometimes it doesn'tI get out of bed when the alarm goes offI have a smokeI showerI feed my dogsI go to workI spend all day wishing I was somewhere elseBut I don't know where4PM hits and I leaveI get in my car and my boyfriend drives us homeI feed my dogsI make dinnerI sit on the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-25174388652101940252007-03-06T18:16:00.000-07:002007-03-06T18:23:28.021-07:00

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and ready to implode, all of the ugliness inside me pouring out.Nice visual...I almost went to the hospital on the weekend to check myself in to the psych ward...There should be awards for the best depressed/suicidal happy faces... not to toot my own horn, but I'd be in the running... almost a shoe-in to win!I'm a barrel of hollow laughs and fake smiles.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-63310471783446388672007-03-02T15:04:00.001-07:002007-03-02T15:04:59.799-07:00

I'm at a serious low and continuing to sink. I keep telling myself I'm OK.I'm not. I'm not OK, not even close.I keep welling up at work. I dig my nails into my palms to keep the tears away. Everything is getting to me, and I mean everything... I want to spend the weekend in bed. I want to be alone, but being alone isn't the best thing for me. I know this, but I still want to be alone. I want

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-72291901733322348932007-03-01T19:30:00.000-07:002007-03-01T20:08:08.470-07:00

This isn't about surviving abuse, it's about hurt and finally learning something... I'm a major hockey fan. The stereotype of being Canadian and loving hockey is me. I ask that if you read this post, you respect me and my feelings. Please don't discount them or leave comments about how it's just a game. It may be a game, but the players, especially this one in particular are very important to me.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-85081616284221817322007-02-27T21:04:00.000-07:002007-02-27T21:05:40.053-07:00

Dr Deb posted this Thanks Dr Deb!

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-85864456070940490882007-02-16T18:34:00.000-07:002007-02-16T20:24:02.476-07:00

Well, I survived! Yay for me... and everyone else who makes it through the battle. Gold stars all around!It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it usually never is. The day came and went like any other. It was the day after and today that are proving to be a big struggle. I'm feeling... I don't know. It's kind of like I'm just going through the motions of a living person, but not living.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-34622795192968593102007-02-04T13:57:00.000-07:002007-02-04T14:23:08.515-07:00

Is fast approaching... I find myself having spells of terrible sadness and my eyes start to tear up at, of course, the worst possible times. I was at work the first time, and I couldn't hold it in, I spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom trying to pull myself together enough to go back to my desk. Brutal.We finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday, it was downstairs in the room where it

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-88267219027222927002007-01-26T13:23:00.001-07:002007-01-26T13:23:47.163-07:00

Today I made a decision that's left me sad, anxious, scared and oddly lonely. I told T that I wanted to take a break and stop our sessions for a while. I had been thinking about doing that since our last session when I didn't really have anything to talk about. And the main driving force is that I really can't afford it right now, which in and of itself is sad. I'm a firm believer that your

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-41898704883528472272007-01-04T15:38:00.000-07:002007-01-04T16:03:06.076-07:00

It's been such a long time since I've written anything I don't know where to start. I have been wanting to write, but being away so long this feels somewhat foreign to me now... it's like I'm forcing myself to come here and write about my feelings... it's been a long time since I've been really honest with myself or C or T about how I've really been. I feel like a fraud trying to be honest now.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1164690073424041612006-11-27T22:00:00.000-07:002006-12-01T05:00:54.573-07:00

It is starting to become a difficulty to find the time to write. For the first time in years I'm working a normal 8-5 schedule, I'm finding it hard to adjust. I'm happy with my job though so it's worth the struggle.I do need to apologize as I haven't been keeping up with reading my surviving and thriving friends blogs, I do hope you are all well and even though I'm not reading, you're not far

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1163357832897825792006-11-12T11:51:00.000-07:002006-11-27T08:47:34.603-07:00

A comment left by someone triggered this post... They admitted something I've been utterly ashamed of admitting, even to myself at times... it's time for it to come outAt times, when I was a child, I would invite the abuse from my father. It was usually the only attention I got, and sometimes, it made me feel special. God, just reading that makes me sick.I remember that sometimes I would sit on

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1163050719860531602006-11-08T22:31:00.000-07:002006-11-19T02:25:23.750-07:00

It's been a while since I updated this... things have been going OK and I haven't been wanting to write about anything to drudge any bad feelings up... I got a new job!!! I'm so happy! When I quit my other job, it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe a little easier. That feeling hasn't gone away, and I am a lot less stressed, which means I'm sleeping a little bit

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1161892803188464092006-10-26T13:48:00.000-06:002006-11-04T01:19:27.036-07:00

I have so much to write about, I'm not sure where to start!In my last session with T I didn't write about something that was eating at me and now that I've talked to C and T about it, I'm OK writing about it...When talking about the rape and telling T how it started and then happened, T said that he sounded very calculated, that I probably wasn't his first or his last victim (I HATE that word...

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1161178207932536722006-10-18T07:15:00.000-06:002006-10-25T11:35:32.090-06:00

The childrens mother is a friend of my aunts and my aunt asked me to forward their website to all of my contacts. I decided to go one step further and post the site and their story on my blog in hopes of reaching more people. Help Bring Hannah and Cedar Home Hannah and Cedar Hawach Missing from Calgary, CanadaMissing Children Society of Canada, August 25, 2006: Sisters Hannah, 5, and Cedar, 2

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1161027467295831852006-10-16T13:28:00.000-06:002006-10-21T01:49:12.720-06:00

I'm happy it's Monday... there's definitely something wrong!My weekend was OK, it started off with a bang... literally. My boyfriend, best friend and I went to see The Guardian (highly recommend it) on Friday night. We hadn't eaten dinner and saw the late show so by the time we got out the only thing open was McHeartAttackOnABun (McDonald's) so into the drive thru I drive. We're sitting there

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1160699198417042872006-10-12T18:24:00.000-06:002006-11-07T10:48:22.190-07:00

I had a session with T today, it had been almost a month since our last session. The dynamic and comfort level remained from our last session. It was much needed today.We started talking about my dream. I've been worried that I had completely lost it when I felt pain in my dream and woke up and was in pain. T said this was a body memory. She said it's a new part of my healing because instead of

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1160511404062869312006-10-10T14:09:00.000-06:002006-10-15T13:09:15.223-06:00

The TV show Without A Trace triggered me like I have never been triggered before. It was horrifying. The basis of the story was a missing 911 operator who turned out to have been brutally attacked and raped while in college and was seeking revenge on the man who hurt her. It showed him on her, beating and raping her. It conveyed her life of fear so well... I sat on the couch absolutely terrified.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1160423083847128472006-10-09T13:37:00.000-06:002006-10-10T14:48:42.546-06:00

Incredibly powerful... and TRUE***Update, 10/10/06***When I saw this picture yesterday, I just sat there staring at it. It speaks volumes. It conveys what I can't.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1159920707285266812006-10-03T13:21:00.000-06:002006-10-10T04:51:18.926-06:00

I haven't been sleeping very well since Friday when this relationship ordeal cropped up. My boyfriend has been asking me what's wrong because I had been sleeping really well since he moved in, so he knew something was up. We had another talk last night. It started out awful, with both of us on the verge of tears, him shutting down and not wanting to talk and me prying and continuing to talk. We

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1159820318263560532006-10-02T14:07:00.000-06:002006-10-06T01:10:38.086-06:00

A couple days ago, after the conversation and my breakdown regarding my boyfriend, he turns around and starts talking about our wedding?!??What the fuck?It's easy to see why I'm confused and getting upset... We were talking about Newfoundland, where he's from, and how a non-newfie is accepted and becomes an honorary newfie. It's kinda funny and gross how you become an honorary newfie by doing

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1159596561848641032006-09-30T00:00:00.000-06:002006-10-06T01:14:31.623-06:00

Boyfriend and I had the dreaded conversation. Y'know, the "are you the one for me"... not sure how it came about, something on the TV show Friends triggered it...He doesn't know if I am the one for him. He said he's pretty sure that I am, but he's not positive.I told him that after almost a year together if he still doesn't know, than I'm probably not and we should just stop wasting our time. I

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1159274993765031232006-09-26T06:49:00.000-06:002006-10-06T01:17:09.693-06:00

For the first time last night with my boyfriend I experienced some left over damage from my ex-husband. My boyfriend did something my ex did to me constantly throughout our marriage. It was something so trivial, I'm absolutely positive it wouldn't have affected someone else as greatly. My boyfriend didn't tell me something. To start off the story, my boyfriend and I were talking about his hands,

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1158443010796826932006-09-16T15:37:00.000-06:002006-09-21T08:16:26.423-06:00

After I quit my job I spent the next 4 days in an anxious panic. What the fuck am I gonna do?! Kept playing in my mind. I applied for a few jobs and had a few interviews lined up when I was approached by my manager. They told they can't afford to lose me and they had an offer to propose. They offered me a raise, a permanent schedule and a promise to never work weekends. I thought about it for a

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1157997306436976482006-09-11T16:20:00.000-06:002006-09-15T22:53:55.460-06:00

We got back early yesterday morning, again spending the night driving. I let my boyfriend sleep most of the way back and I drove like a crazy woman! We had an awesome time on our trip and didn't want to come back. My boyfriend has fallen in love with the Vancouver area so we will be definitely moving in the next few years. When we got back I started to count the hours before my mother started in

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1157564939765033982006-09-06T11:43:00.000-06:002006-09-13T16:23:30.076-06:00

I'm still on vacation but I brought my laptop with me because I had a feeling I might need to write. I had an in person session with C yesterday. I was incredibly nervous and anxious before the session and for the first little bit. It's a different dynamic face to face as opposed to the phone. It's much more challenging face to face. There was a bit of an AH-HA! moment close to the end of the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1157159981215636382006-09-01T19:18:00.000-06:002006-09-04T04:16:07.153-06:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm on vaca for the next 10 days, won't be back in town till the 11th.Take care all!

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1157035167438822132006-08-31T13:28:00.000-06:002006-11-27T14:17:42.690-07:00

Super tough session with T yesterday. It all started with me telling T last session that I needed to talk about my boyfriend and our relationship and sex but we didn't get to it, so we talked about some other things first and then got to the boyfriend stuff. It took me about 5 minutes to actually spit it out, and when I said it the words came out at a million miles a second and thank God T didn't

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1156773625191518492006-08-28T07:54:00.000-06:002006-08-31T03:01:01.346-06:00

It's been a week since I last posted but it feels like a lifetime ago.One my dearest friends has moved away. It was a very sad day last Thursday as we said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch while he is away for a year. I know it's only a year and with the Internet it will be almost like he's still here, I will miss him terribly. He has a way of keeping me grounded and bringing the "real"

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1156287673279389972006-08-22T18:14:00.000-06:002006-08-27T15:53:10.030-06:00

I love photography. It's something I find completely relaxing and allows me to share my views of some of the most beautiful things in the world. My Passion: Photography

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1156211917901295182006-08-21T19:30:00.000-06:002006-08-25T01:04:50.783-06:00

I was watching Nanny 911 - what can I say, I LOVE that show!! The family dynamics and watching the changes and the resistance of the family while attempting the changes is fascinating. So, I was watching Nanny 911 and here was this family all settled down on the couch, the kids in their PJ's sitting on their parents laps being read a bedtime story, it was the picture of perfect... And all I could

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1156019680535864892006-08-19T14:30:00.000-06:002006-08-25T01:06:11.060-06:00

I had an incredible dream.I've been exhausted, I spent the week working in the office, and with starting at 5am I've been dragging myself out of bed at 3:30am meaning I've had almost no sleep all week.I slept last night. A deep, sweet slumber. It was incredible.I dreamt about being cared for. About crying, sobbing uncontrollably and having someone hold me. Rubbing my back and just holding me.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1156019427833556082006-08-18T23:25:00.000-06:002006-08-25T01:10:22.323-06:00

I saw T yesterday. I was so uncomfortable; I really didn't want to be there. I found myself angry for some reason and incredibly closed off. I'm also finding myself frustrated with T. I don't think we mesh very well. I feel like she doesn't really hear me or let me talk. She leads every session without giving me the opportunity to talk about something I may need to talk about. But at the same

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1155302113870765992006-08-11T07:24:00.000-06:002006-08-19T12:03:02.593-06:00

I'm still here, still in that dark awful place I so desperately want out of. I'm tired of hurting. I'm sick of being depressed, the overwhelming sadness.My DR has increased my antidepressant. I am now almost at the maximum dose, I started taking the increase yesterday so it will be a few weeks at least before I notice any changes. I'm hoping beyond all hope that this will work.I saw T yesterday.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1154888514009944482006-08-06T12:09:00.000-06:002006-08-15T20:11:36.740-06:00

I spent time with my boyfriend's family yesterday. His cousin just had a baby, 3 weeks old, and has another daughter who just turned 4.My boyfriend and I bought her a bike for her birthday. She was so happy, jumping around giggling. Full of life. Full of sweet innocence and trust. I spent hours playing with her, pushing her on her bike all around the house. I held the baby for a while, and just

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1154807260922076452006-08-05T13:47:00.000-06:002006-08-06T03:34:33.970-06:00

I wanted to let you all know that I'm OK..

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1154721753043466072006-08-04T13:54:00.000-06:002006-08-06T17:16:02.906-06:00

Possible TriggersI'm incredibly sad today, I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes but I won't let me them fall.My boyfriend kept touching me this morning, hugging me, putting his hand on my knee. I wanted to scream STOP TOUCHING ME. I still want to scream it even though I'm alone and there's no one to hear. I expect him to read my mind, or at least my body language, I was stiff as a board,

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1154454036982768802006-08-01T11:27:00.000-06:002006-08-03T20:23:57.993-06:00

Police hunt T.O. pedophile Prairie boys last seen with suspectRepeat offender released last summerAug. 1, 2006. 06:08 AMPHINJO GOMBUSTAFF REPORTERA convicted pedophile from Toronto is being hunted by police following the abduction of a 10-year-old Saskatchewan boy. The RCMP issued a Canada-wide warrant yesterday for 35-year-old Peter Whitmore in the abduction of Zachary Miller of Whitewood, who

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153888532903582462006-07-25T22:30:00.000-06:002006-07-31T14:09:36.680-06:00

I'm strong enough now to admit it... I think. It had been burning a hole in my chest, tearing at my mind, the feeble bands of mental rubber trying desperately to contain the need.I failed.I was so lost. So angry. So hurt. So ashamed. So scared. So confused. So conflicted. So frustrated. So needing to reach out and just ask for help. So confused about who to turn to, a friend, my boyfriend, C or T

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153878020716059022006-07-25T19:38:00.000-06:002006-07-25T20:53:38.433-06:00

Second edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse Sorry it took me a while to post this... please check it out and spread awareness.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153781961248972592006-07-24T16:54:00.000-06:002006-07-31T02:36:39.736-06:00

Have you felt complacent with being discontented? Like things are falling apart around but you just don't give a damn anymore?Let it all fall. Shatter to a million pieces... the echo reverberating. Hollow.For the past few days I've adopted a whatever attitude. I don't give a damn if I don't wake up tomorrow. I don't give a damn if I do. I'm just here. Flesh and bones, blood and breath but nothing

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153456574513008222006-07-20T22:29:00.000-06:002006-07-23T16:36:49.796-06:00

I fucking hate you. After everything I've done for you, after everything I've given up for you... have you ever given anything up for me? Have you ever done anything for me? NOYou only bring me down. You're only happy when you've crushed me.I had to claim bankruptcy because of you. I spent every last fucking penny I had on you when you were sick and not working. Now when I'm in a jam and I ask

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153378021101262622006-07-20T00:42:00.000-06:002006-07-23T02:52:02.166-06:00

I'm feeling abandoned. It hurts. I know it's for the better that C is not completely there for me, it's part of the transition. It's how it has to be. It still hurts. And I still feel abandoned. It was my choice. My choice to switch to face to face therapy. It is a good choice. I know this. The sessions have already proved to be very helpful. It's really hard making the transition. I don't feel

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1153138126946645182006-07-17T19:04:00.000-06:002006-07-23T02:53:46.540-06:00

I spent the weekend at my cabin doing absolutely nothing! I read a book, took long naps, ate well balanced meals, took my dogs for walks. I was mostly relaxed and stress free until Sunday evening when I had to drive home. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go back to reality - really who would?! I woke up to my alarm this morning with a panic attack? My stomach was in a knot, my heart was

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1152707654215362562006-07-12T06:29:00.000-06:002006-07-15T04:32:11.186-06:00

I'm not doing very well. My work life is extremely stressful - I'm not sleeping or eating. Every muscle in my body is tense. I'm filled with stress rage, on the verge of snapping. I normally work at home, but am in the office now for an indeterminable amount of time. I can't afford to pay for gas to drive here or parking since it's now over $10 a day. I am driving though because I start at 5am,

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1152506551574329942006-07-09T22:38:00.000-06:002006-07-19T20:47:08.343-06:00

Sometimes I want to, other times I don't. Why the fuck can't I say no?Saturday night my boyfriend and I had sex. I didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood. I laid there repeating over and over in my head that I don't want to do this, please don't touch me, maybe tomorrow, I'm not in the mood. But I couldn't say it out loud. Instead I just went with the motions and went inside myself to the place I

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1152247488159980442006-07-06T23:02:00.000-06:002006-07-15T04:43:38.363-06:00

I haven't been able to write anything for a few weeks now, every time I come here I get a burning sensation in my chest and I just can't type. I'm sorry I haven't been around to offer support...I've been thinking non-stop since the session with T today. I had to put on the happy, life kicks ass face right after the session because I was with my best friend after work because I had to go into the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1151514763534750132006-06-28T12:40:00.000-06:002006-11-28T14:06:39.546-07:00

Monday night I was rocked with nightmares. Very vivid nightmares. I woke up from the first one crying and talking. The fact that I was talking really scared me. I woke up saying "daddy please..." I was clutching onto a pillow, racked with fear. I'm not sure when I finally fell back to sleep, but the second nightmare was worse than the first. I think I'm nuts... when I bolted awake, I swear I saw

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1151091220603819822006-06-23T13:01:00.000-06:002006-06-27T22:29:53.236-06:00

Thanks to Marj for creating this... To all the incredibly strong and courageous people who contributed, thank you for sharing. I find your words inspiring and hopeful... Blog Carnival

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1150746558895261422006-06-19T13:44:00.000-06:002006-06-23T13:55:40.533-06:00

Today, well... FUCK!When I'm all aloneAnd no one else is thereWaiting by the phoneTo remind meI'm still hereWhen shadows paint the scenesWhere spotlights used to fallAnd I'm left wonderingIs it really worth it all?Life can hold you downWhen you're not looking upCan't you hear the sound?Hearts beating out loudAlthough the names changeInside were all the sameWhy can't we tear down these walls?To

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1150382248042005802006-06-15T08:33:00.000-06:002006-07-15T04:47:08.530-06:00

I had my second session with new T yesterday, it went rather well.We talked about how I was dissociating in the first session and T went over the session with me so I would know what happened. T went on to talk about how it's OK not to trust her right now and not to feel safe, but that it is a safe space and she is a safe person. T also said it's perfectly OK to feel ambivalent with her or the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1150139687884817052006-06-12T13:10:00.000-06:002006-06-15T10:47:06.800-06:00

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and ideas regarding the T's... you've all given me some really good things to think about. (I would reply via comments but I've been getting page cannot be displayed on all comments links for almost a week now) I think I am going to talk to my counselor about being a support person and start heading in the direction of the new T. I see T again this Wednesday,

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149744140544058322006-06-07T23:18:00.000-06:002006-07-07T19:46:03.636-06:00

So today I had a session with a new therapist. I wanted to see if I could handle face to face therapy.Wow. It's so incredibly different. So much more challenging. More scary. Harder. Terrifying. Anxiety inducing.I couldn't stop fidgeting or bouncing my knee or tapping my foot. I kept repeating in my head I want out of here, I don't want to be here, I don't like this.The new T (T=therapist) has

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149536972637878902006-06-05T13:46:00.000-06:002006-06-10T18:46:26.806-06:00

The weekend was OK. I spent a lot of time lying in the hot sun. I wish I could say I got some really good thinking in, but I just stared blankly at the trees and listened to the songs of the birds. It was a fight to keep the tears at bay.I usually love it at my cabin. I love being outdoors and in the woods. I'm fascinated with trees, every tree is completely unique. I love waking up, sitting on

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149205852631804772006-06-02T10:03:00.000-06:002006-07-19T20:54:20.913-06:00

SadAngryHurtingLonelyScaredConfusedAnxiousLostCombine all of those feelings and there I am, trapped in the middle. Drowning.I haven't resorted to SI. Every hour that ticks by is an accomplishment.ML pointed out something I didn't see - I'm feeling. I'm feeling intense, heavy feelings. That's a good thing. Haven't let myself feel anything like this before and I guess I wouldn't be feeling all of

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149187831508325482006-06-01T12:53:00.000-06:002006-06-04T14:11:03.803-06:00

[Phantom Planet] I have nothing left to say, this song kinda says it for me

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149123867118727812006-05-31T18:45:00.000-06:002006-06-02T03:10:51.433-06:00

I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I don't have the energy or the strength to keep fighting this.I feel so incredibly hopeless.I'm not worth it. I'm not worth helping.Worthless.It's not worth struggling through this. I always end up in the same place - feeling like a piece of a shit.I hurt.I'm sad. Beyond sad.I want to give up. I want to sleep. Forever.The tears are just pouring out, yet I'm

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1149021294130433792006-05-31T08:12:00.000-06:002006-06-02T02:42:23.016-06:00

So here I am. I'm home.I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere actually.Today is not a good day. Yesterday wasn't either.I'm not sure how I am. I'm here, I'm breathing, but I'm not alive - if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain it.I'm feeling sad I think, yet numb at the same time.Fuck I've lost my mind.ML said it best when she said she felt like two people...I'm

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1148660169154552992006-05-26T10:13:00.000-06:002006-05-28T15:05:00.006-06:00

I'm having a wonderful time, yet finding myself growing more sad and depressed. Scared and exhausted.I don't understand.My father has not done or sad anything inappropriate.I'm in NY, I've seen a Broadway play, spent hours in Central Park and Battery Park. I'm living my dream.But I'm not enjoying it.I've been on edge, extremely hypervigilant for a week now.I want to go home. I want to see my

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1148042355385430592006-05-19T06:34:00.000-06:002006-05-23T04:08:52.016-06:00

I'm off to New York tomorrow for a week.I've been really scared and nervous for the past few weeks as I'm going to New York with my father and his wife. His wife offered the trip as a way for me to get away from everything for a while, and by everything they mean the separation and pending divorce. They paid for the plane ticket and hotel for me and I just couldn't turn it down.On many levels I

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147938776661534552006-05-18T02:32:00.000-06:002006-06-19T14:18:24.346-06:00

I've been writing this for months, I can never quite articulate what I really want to say. How angry I am. How much pain he caused. This is just a start and I don't think there will ever really be an end...I fucking hate you.You stole my innocence. You stole my ability to be a child. You stole my ability to trust. You destroyed the precious father daughter relationship I longed for.You stole

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147728234651606402006-05-15T15:05:00.000-06:002006-05-17T06:17:05.866-06:00

I've been trying to write. Trying to think. Trying to process. Trying to feel. Nothing.It's like a tornado of thoughts and feelings ripping through my mind, nothing constant. Not one stable thought.At times, the tornando stops and my head is empty. Still, not a stable thought. The dreams... those, those won't go away.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147308368463308592006-05-10T18:37:00.000-06:002006-05-17T08:45:13.113-06:00

This has always been a really hard area for me, I imagine for a lot of survivors.My counsellor and I had a breakthrough of sorts of today. Through a very difficult homework assignment we worked at the abuse not being my fault. I've always blamed myself. Always told myself I deserved it. I was a terrible kid. I asked for it. IT WAS MY FAULT.We discovered why I did/do this - it was a barrier to the

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147285832464177202006-05-10T12:29:00.000-06:002006-05-10T12:31:56.176-06:00

People's bodies respond differently to sexual abuse and incest, but bodily response is irrelevant. The only things that are relevant is consent and legality. If you did not consent to the sexual contact, then it was wrong. It was a crime. Some criminals will try to convince you that the orgasm proves that you consented, and some ignorant judges or juries may believe it. But it simply IS NOT TRUE.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147280617275037412006-05-10T11:04:00.000-06:002006-05-10T19:32:41.713-06:00

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable a feeling that continues into our adult lives. 2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally. 3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives.Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147208827897747272006-05-09T15:01:00.000-06:002006-05-10T04:39:58.573-06:00

Today I'm sad and I don't really know why...

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1147094337605026212006-05-08T11:36:00.000-06:002006-05-09T03:30:49.996-06:00

Nightmares?orNight-terrors?I scared my boyfriend Friday night. I had a dream. I don't remember the dream. Saturday morning he told me I scared the hell out of him. I apologized.In the middle of the night I started whimpering, mumbling and shaking my head no in my sleep. I started thrashing and flailing my limbs violently. He said I jumped, caught about a foot of air and fell back on my bed. He

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146765618162292482006-05-04T13:44:00.000-06:002006-05-10T06:50:42.426-06:00

This is from my favorite radio station. The guy doing the commentary speaks out about all kinds of things, and he says stuff the rest of us are usually afraid to say. Treatment of Pedophiles in Jail It is harsh at the end, possibly triggering. So please, if you're not up to it, please don't click the link...**Update 05/10/06 6:26AM**I moved the file to another hosting service. It works now!

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146696143958076952006-05-03T16:40:00.000-06:002006-05-06T11:15:59.630-06:00

And I will turn off And I will shut down Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground And I will turn off And I will shut down The chemicals are restless in my head Stabilo

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146631106401938962006-05-02T22:36:00.000-06:002006-05-06T11:20:28.586-06:00

I'm nearing the end of my rope. I am incredibly stressed. There are things happening at my workplace that I'm not able to talk about, but really wish I could. It's eating me alive! Suffocating me. I'm very tempted to take short term disability to remove myself from the situation because I'm not coping very well and have been ignoring my needs and self care and allowing myself to be consumed by

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146170705388608262006-04-27T14:34:00.000-06:002006-05-02T18:44:02.116-06:00

I have an idea... I think it may be feasible, depending of course on funding.Searching for Angela Shelton - for those who are not familiar, it's a documentary about Angela Shelton who is a survivor and her travel across the US searching for other Angela Sheltons. She found 40 Angela Sheltons, 24 of whom are also survivors. Basically, it's all about breaking the silence and healing.As a fundraiser

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146158795416291852006-04-27T13:23:00.000-06:002006-04-27T21:27:06.213-06:00

Had a very good session with my counsellor this week. We covered some important stuff and I've been thinking a lot about what was discussed.We ended the session with me in tears. I was feeling rather strong and was OK to have ended that way as it left me to continue processing what we talked about. The tears were a mixture of relief, understanding and some sadness. I had made a statement that

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146085834075253632006-04-26T15:13:00.000-06:002006-04-27T07:02:22.600-06:00

I'm breaking about a million copyright laws I'm sure... but this is in an incredible song. [Creed] I'm very music oriented and use it quite frequently in my healing or to express feelings or thoughts I don't have the words for yet.

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1146073533679538272006-04-26T11:43:00.000-06:002006-04-27T04:15:08.323-06:00

Anonymous said... question do incest victims sometimes become more sexually active? Do rape victims desire their abuser? 5:04 PM Dear Anon,I am by no means an expert in this area, but I have read numerous books and articles on the subject as well as have some first hand experience!Yes, some sexual abuse survivors (incest, rape) do become more sexually active. Sexual intimacySurvivors of sexual

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1145904328501244722006-04-24T12:56:00.000-06:002006-04-25T21:57:50.906-06:00

So I've been avoiding my blog since I posted last... I keep going back and forth between being ready to talk about it and wanting it to just go away. I know it won't ever just go away, I've wasted years trying to will all this bullshit away to no avail and I really don't want to keep wasting my time, or anyone else's for that matter.I have this pattern, and I'm very aware of the pattern or habit

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1145547765953563252006-04-20T09:40:00.000-06:002006-04-21T16:16:04.660-06:00

I'm posting this because (I'm very ashamed to admit this) it is something I struggle with. This is an incredibly difficult subject. I find it rather embarrassing to even post this article. I've been thinking a lot about this since my session with my counsellor yesterday... I think it's time I start to deal with this area as I believe it to be one of the major causes of my shame and disgust with

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1145382183514134302006-04-18T11:36:00.000-06:002006-06-14T20:44:07.636-06:00

I found this article and it's very educational and serves as an excellent reminder of the healing process.The Effects of Rape No two survivors of sexual assault react in exactly the same way, or feel the same emotions at the same time, or heal in exactly the same way. Every survivor deals with the assault in a way that addresses her particular situation. While every survivor should feel

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1145299202801752432006-04-17T12:36:00.000-06:002006-04-19T02:43:15.103-06:00

This past weekend was incredible. Breathtaking... amazing... beautiful.Exactly what I needed.My boyfriend had never been to the mountains before this past weekend!! It was just awesome watching him experience the magnificent beauty and rugged landscape.I love getting away from the city and spending time hiking and just enjoying nature. It's my natural high you could say!!I've fallen in love...

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1144992159197130472006-04-13T23:19:00.000-06:002006-04-22T19:07:05.136-06:00

I'm outta here tomorrow morning... can't wait to get the hell away from this house for a few days. Get away from memories, triggers... the fucking hairbrush.This will do me a world of good, at least I hope it does.I KNOW it will.It has to...

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1144878655259257832006-04-12T15:48:00.000-06:002006-04-13T15:50:01.650-06:00

Now I'm getting pissed off.I am sooooo sick of feeling shitty.I am so sick of being on the verge of tears.I am so sick of having to put on a happy face while at work.I am so sick of hurting.I am so sick of memories.I am so sick of nightmares.I am so sick of every damn fucking thing in my life.I'm pondering the question...What the FUCK is the point?

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17269777.post-1144785482148196072006-04-11T14:23:00.000-06:002006-04-11T15:06:46.633-06:00

I'm standing at the bottom, looking up and the light has almost vanished.This is my tunnel.The walls are completely smooth from the pounding pressure of my despair making it almost impossible to climb my way to the top. I've tried and I'm still trying, my metaphorical fingers bloody from each failed attempt.The bottom of the tunnel has been steadily sinking making the ascent that much more futile

survivorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09956175689498041699noreply@blogger.com1